Friday, September 4, 2009
A few days have passed since my birthday, since the first time I saw Jara7 in his coma. I lot has changed since then. A week has passed with the same routine. After me '3azl and ya3goub are done with studying in the library at night, we would visit jara7. We either continue studying some more, or quiz each other or simply have dinner and just chat. Whatever we did, it was always fun, the doctor says it's great. He needs all this positive energy around him.
My phone rang, it was '3azl.
'3azl: hiiiii 7alaa, shlonch
7ala: hehehe shfeeech shfeeech?! Ana tamam il7emdilaa, intay shfeeech in a very good mood haaa?!
'3azl: eeeeh la mafini shay hehe, bes in a good mood. Shopping mood! Tyeeen?! I have my dads credit card!
7ala: haha ahaaaaaa eeee fahamt fahamt! La la shlon ayiii, I have to go to jara7
'3azl: ya allaaaa,intay lesh chithi. Ma ti3tarfain b shay isma moderation!? Awal shay klsh makintay taben tshwfena w al7een kilyom mjablitaa. Tara 3adi itha you miss one day. Yalla 3ad!
7ala: '3azl 7abibti, I don’t want to miss one day. Ru7ay intay stansay w shop. Shufay ilsoug shlona w gulelee, arw7 ma3ach bacher il9ib7 okkk?!
'3azl: kaifiiiich. Yallaa bye, w have fuuun hehe salmaay 3ala ya3goub!
7ala: inshalaa yo9al, yalla enjoy!
As soon as I put my phone down, I realized that tonight was going to be the first time for me and ya3goub to be alone. Ambaiiii ana shfeeni, shinw alone. Jara7 will be there. I meant ye3ni awal marra only me jara7 and ya3goub, without '3azl.
Okkk, why am I obsessing about this. 5alaaa9 Shfeeha ye3nii, its ya3goub!
My phone rang again. It was ya3goub. Why did I suddenly get the feeling inna he heard what I was thinkning!
Ya3goub: ha 7ala mita yayeen?
7ala: I'm leaving the house now. its just me today, '3azl mu yaya.
. . .
7ala: alooo ?! (I looked at my phone screen, he was still connected)
Ya3goub: ma3aach ma3ach, 5ala9 see u soon 3ayal.
7ala: ee inshalaa, yalla bye!
Was that a bit weird willa ana mit5ayla? La imbela imbela, he went quiet laman giltlaa ina it was only me coming tonight. Ma3nata he got a strange feeling in his gut too. This is really bugging me! Why does it have to be weird between me and him. Its ya3goub! He's like a brother to me! I have always thought of him in that way. Always. Well, it did get a bit weird laman I found out that he was the one planning all the gifts and dinners instead of jara7! But so what?! I'm over it, sama7taa ana sama7taa, uhwa w jara7. Its not like he has feeling for me. It's just because he knows me better. Just like a brother knows his sister! Right!? Bes 5ala9 snap out of it.
I went to get dressed. It was Thursday so we weren’t going to study tonight. Straight to the hospital to jara7. I opened my closet. Mmmm shalbs. Thiiiis, laa chinna hathaak a7laaa. Bes hatha il lon ymatn, 5alaa9 hathaak a7saan. I put on my beige skinny trousers, w royal blue lose shirt with golden buttons and ruffles on the front. Fita7t ildirj w 6alla3t a million golden bracelets and put them on one hand, and my dads oversized rolex on the other. I had an addiction to bracelets. Next, navy shailaa. Mmm, ok now I need to get all my stuff out of my black balanciaga bag w ada5lhm in the Damier LV, a7laa. Next, mascara, w lipbalm. La lesh lipbalm, a7a6 lipstick 5afeefa. W may5alef, thin eyeliner. And, shwey blush. Lesh laa2. Finally shoes, my gold gladiators.
My phone vibrated, it was ya3goub: wainch?!
I was about to answer just after I looked in the mirror and smiled. I glimpsed at the clock next to the mirror.
Oolllaaaa!! I never take this long to get dressed! Wayed 6awalt shda3wa! Y does it matter shinw albs, ana ray7a ilmostashfaa with ya3goub.
My phone buzzed again and again.
It was ya3goub: PING!!! PING!!!
Then it hit me. ahaaa. Laykwn kl hal loya because I want to look nice for ya3goub?! I was unconsciously trying to look better than my casual self. Li2ana '3azl mara7 tkwn mawjwda, so focus 3alay. Whyyy am I thinking this way! La actually, am not thinking! Sha'3lay mu5ch 7ala! al7en ya3goub yla7th w ygwl hathi shfeeha kash5aa! Whats wrong with me!?
A9laaaaan, ana kash5aa becuz 3ugb ilmostashfaa barw7 at3asha ma3a '3azl. Ee eee that’s why. (I was trying to justify myself). I called '3azl.
7ala: '3azl lets got out for dinner when you're done shopping.
'3azl: ee okk, 5ala9 adg 3alaich when am done.
7ala: see you!
Seeeee, ba6la3 ma3a 7ala for dinner. W it’s a Thursday, ye3ni weekend! Obviously baksha5 shweeey ya naaas!!
Half an hour later, wi9alt ilmostashfaa. I parked the car, and while I was walking towards the elevators to get to jara7's ward, ya3goub bbmed me: 7ala wainch? Wayed 6awaltay, u told me you were leaving the house an hour ago!
I replied: 2 mins
Da5alt il'3urfa w I found ya3goub shaving off jara7's beard. So sweet of him.
7ala: u need help?
He looked up at me: la mashkwraa, I'm fine.
Then he went back to what he was doing. I headed to sit on the chair across the room, and I could see ya3goub look up again and watch me walk to the chair. Awkward. I sat and looked at him. He put down his head again, and continued wiping the foam off of jara7's face.
Ya3goub: u look nice (he didn’t look at me while he said that)
7ala: (I smiled) whaat? This old thiiing? Hehhe, thanks anyways.
He let out a quiet and short laugh.
7ala: ee li2ana ana barw7 at3asha ma3a '3azl afterwards
Ya3goub: ahaaaaa that’s why
(eee eee that’s why, I thought to myself!)
Ya3goub: wain btrw7wn, tara iyom 5amees w za7ma!
7ala: haha adrii, 5amees. Don’t brother me ya3goub ( I said it in a joking tone)
Ya3goub: I'm not "brothering" you 7ala. (he put emphasis on the word brother)
7ala: hehe (I let out an awkward laugh. Sh8a9da? He's never replies in that way. Usually ygwli "if I don’t, then who will". God! Tara ana fini shay! Ana ga3da akabr ilmawthw3! Nothing is going on! W if ya3goub knew what I was thinking he would be really disappointed in me! I shook my head.
Ya3goub sat on the chair next to me and sighed : eeeeeeh chithi 6ala3 wayhek jaraa7.
I smiled : sheeefk ya3goub, uhwa kan msawi dirty ye3ni style, shfahimk intaa (I teased)
Ya3goub: dirty haaa, hahaha.
We talked for like 2 hours. Suwaleef thi7k, 3adiii. It was almost the same as when '3azl is with us. Li2ana ihya asasan mu wayed titkalam when we’re in the hospital. I guess she feels left out or out of place. I mean, ya3goub is my best friend through my dads best friend. And jara7 is my ex. 7abibti she just comes for support, and doesn’t complain. Zain tsawii inna 6la3at ilyom w '3ayirat jaw. I don’t want her to feel like she HAS to come everynight. Ana '3air, I HAVE to come everynight li2anna I WANT to come every night.
Did I just say jara7 is my ex?? My EX?! What does that mean. Unconsciousness always means something. Its like your inner self trying to get a message across to you. What is my inner self trying to tell me? lesh EX? Are we not together? what are we? Okkk, he's in a coma, w ana I visit. I visit li2anna I have to visit. Li2ana am his girlfriend 9aa7? Inzain w if he never wakes up? when do I know when to decide that we cant be together because of his condition? When do I decide to break us up? I suddenly felt I wave of fear going through my body. Laimuta am I going to wait for him to wake up. I sighed.
Ya3goub: 7ala I need to talk to you.
7ala: sure go ahead (I tried to sound excited, even though I could sense that his voice was tense)
Ya3goub: 7ala, om jara7 kalimatni ilyom. We she thanked us for coming everyday. She really appreciates everything we are doing.
7ala: oo, ee ofcorse. We would do anything for him to wake up.
Ya3goub: that’s exactly what she wanted to talk to me about.
7ala: what do you mean (this was getting serious)
Ya3goub: 7ala theres nothing left for us to DO for him to wake up.
Ya3goub: ildr kalamha ilyom. W galaha inna gabl, his condition was stable. Not getting worse wala better. Which was good, ye3ni as long as it wasn’t getting worse kan fi amal. Bes..
7ala: bes shinw… (I knew exactly what he going to say, I just needed to interrupt him so that I can prepare myself for when he does say it)
Ya3goub: bes now its not stable anymore. He condition is actually getting worse. His brain activity is getting lower. Not drastically, bes still it's getting lower. That’s not to say inna he will die now. Laaa. Bes inna he is either never going to wake up, aw inna he is going to be in this coma for a really long time before it happens.
7ala: before it happens? U mean die.
Ya3goub: ee 7ala.
7ala: I don’t know what to say
Ya3goub: 7ala listen. Now, i7na kl illi nigdr nsawii is inna nad3eelaah. Ye3ni walla mn kl galbi I wish inna he wakes up, bes chances are inna he won't. I don’t want you to stop visiting him. That’s not what I mean. I won't stop visiting him either.
7ala: 3ayal what do u mean..
Ya3goub: 7ala, dear. We need to move on with our lives. We cant plan our days according to these visits. From now on, we live like we used to. We just visit when we feel like it. Ye3ni laman nishtaglaa we'll come. Up until now, kina inyi kilyom, with an aim ina nith7ak around him so that he feels our presence w tit7asan 7alta. But starting tonight, we visit just to check up w chithi. We visit so that ma ninsaah. Fahmatnii 7ala. We move on.
I was quiet for a while. I had to process this. Ee ena fahma what he's saying, bes not completely. Ye3ni shinw "so that ma ninsaah" . obviously mara7 ansaah! Fi wa7da tinsa her boyfriend! Ye3nii, ye3niii shinw? Where does this leave our relationship? What do I do?
It was as though ya3goub read my mind as soon as I thought of that. He took my hand gently and looked me in the eye.
Ya3goub: 7ala, you need to move on.
7ala: ee ee fahamt, 5ala9 I wont visit everyday. Whenever you come ayii ma3ak, mu mshkila (I was acting like I didn’t get what he really meant)
Ya3goub: yes that, but also… you also end what's between you two. Listen. Don’t talk. Let me. A relationship is composed of two people. Two people who share their memories and lives. In this condition he can't share his life with you. Because he himself has no life. It’s the machines 7ala. He has the machines that keep him alive. And also, in his condition, he cant share any new memories with you either. You just have to hold on to the memories he already gave you.
I started to tear. This was sad. So sad. I cant think of I word that means sad, other than SAD! It was as though he was telling me to say goodbye. Tears were pouring in liters now. I was choking. Ya3goub sqeezed my hands tight. His hands felt so warm in mine. Unlike jara7's, his hands were so cold meskeen. That thought really made me ache. Jara7 really had no life in him. I squeezed ya3goubs hands even tighter.
7ala: haaaa (my voice was hoarse)
Ya3goub: 7ala look at me
I put up my head. He looked deep into my eyes. Even though everything seemed so blurry because of the tears, I could still see so clearly that ya3goub is the only one that can look right through me. His next words made my body flush with relief.
Ya3goub: I will be with you through this. Every step of the way 7ala. I will be with you.
What would I do without him. How would I live if he didn’t exist. Shasawiiiiii mn '3air ya3goub.
O and jara7 ba3ad. Shasawii mn '3air jara7.
My thoughts are all over the place. I'm not thinking straight.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
I woke up feeling drowsy. As soon as I got up from bed, my head started to spin. I was too dizzy to get up. I checked the time in my phone, 3 in the morning. O my God how long have I been sleeping. '3azl must have given me sleeping pills. I couldn’t call anyone right now. They're all sleeping, probably.
For a moment I forgot why I felt so terrible. O right, I had just fought with Jara7. No wait, not that. There was another incident. 9ar shay after the fight, something much worse. It's all coming back to me now. Jara7 was in a coma! I was experiencing all the feelings you get when you cry, the choking, the heavy breathing, all of it, except, for the tears. I wasn’t actually tearing. There were no more tears left. I cried out all my tears over jara7 the past few days. How can life suddenly change. Everything was perfect then with a blink of an eye, it's all tumbling down.
I just stared at the ceiling for a while. I thought about how different my life was a few days ago. All the memories with jara7. I was happy. Truly happy. Well, at least before the fight. But that doesn’t matter now.
My phone rang, it was '3azl. I checked the time, 7:13. I've been pointlessly staring at the ceiling for 4 hours!
7ala: halaa '3azl
'3azl: haa 7alaa, shlonch noow?! Inshalaa better?!
7ala: '3azl, u don’t have to ask me how I am. Li2anna u will only make me feel guilty so I will lie and say I'm better. I'm not better. I won't be better. Bes end of discussion.
'3azl: mn 9ijch intay. Stop talking like it’s the end of the world. He will wake up. He will inshalaa. If, IF he doesn’t, then u will learn to live without him. You will move on. Your life was perfect even before he showed up anyways.
7ala: yes but he made it better.
'3azl: nothing is better than perfect. He just opened up your mind to love. You were resisting this idea before. Now you experienced it. So, inshalaa u will experience moore love with him if he waakes, or with '3aira if he doesn’t.
7ala: can we just stop talking about this. When is our class ilyom?
'3azl: stop resisting! How long are you planning to live in denial?! Just give me an idea of how long should I not mention his name!?
'3azl: makw shay ismaa ever. Yalla atfaham ma3ach when I see you, get up. We have class at 10. We'll go out for lunch 3ugub, and taaaaalk. You have to talk 7ala, you can't keep it all in. it's not healthy.
7ala: I don’t feel like talking or eating. Bad idea. Bard il bait after class w anaam.
'3azl: he's the one in the coma, not u 7ala! stop laying in bed like a vegetable!
7ala: don’t say that. that’s not funny '3azl. Not funny at all
'3azl: I'm not trying to be funny. Yalla just get up! bye!
I threw the phone on the floor, checked that my bedroom door was closed, dug my head into the pillow and let out a scream. I thought that would make me feel better. It didn’t. I didn’t scream as loud as I wanted to, cuz I worried it would be too loud cuz there was soooooo much inside that I had to let out.
I got up, looked at myself in the mirror. I was a mess. So I decided to shower, then got dressed. Black velour training, beige shaila. I grabbed my wallet, car keys, and phone. No bag. Put on extra big round sunglasses, the ones I used for the beach cuz I had no makeup on.
I arrived to college, sat next to '3azl in class.
7ala: '3azl don’t. plz.
We didn’t talk after that, not a single word. We were done with class at 12.
'3azl: yalla lunch. Where do u want to go?
7ala: I already told u. mabi arw7 ay mukan.
'3azl: 7ala, ur going, end of story. Zain minni I'm letting u choose where. Yallaa choose
I was about to answer in a really angry tone but my phone rang. Ashwaa, I don’t want to let it all out on '3azl. Shes been so supportive.
7ala: hala ya3goub.. ana outside lecture room10.. ok we'll wait. Fine.. byee
A few minutes later ya3goub was walking our way.
Ya3goub: hii shlonkm? 7ala how r u feeling?
'3azl: don’t ask her how she's feeling! She's like a dog put on a leash, just waiting to bite, seriously. (she looked at me and smiled, hoping that I would smile back. I didn’t)
Ya3goub: ok fahamt. Inzain, yallaa lets go to jara7, then nrd ilbait nraye7 w nirja3 ilma'3arb nadrs.
'3azl: sounds good to mee.
7ala: u two go, ana bard ilbait now.
'3azl: 7alaa, when r u going to see him yalla 3ad, you have to, laazm inniich t7aa…
Ya3goub: '3azl 5aleehaa. She's not ready.
'3azl: (she sighed) ok, yallaa see you ilma'3arb then
'3azl: 7ala 7ayati plz stop doing this to yourself. Madri ye3ni just figure it out, do whatever u need to do so that you can get over this phase (she told me while she walked me to my car)
Rikabt sayartii and I thought shes right. Abi asawi shay to make me feel better or else I will go crazy. I will just go for a drive, think, clear my mind. I drove 3al 5aleej for almost half an hour. Rashed's voice sang: ashki 3alaik il7al ya 3arf il7al.. w law ma beedk shay yakfelk il7al.. yakfii trw7 bklmtkl theqat il7al.. w yakfii t7s btheeqty dwn ma a7kii
I suddenly stopped my car at the side of the road, on the safety lane, 6awalt 3ala ilmusic. Even louder. Loudest that I can get it to plaay, and I just let out a scream. An endless scream. I let out all the air in my lungs. I bet it was really loud, but I didn’t hear it becuz of the music. I switched off the ipod and rubbed my neck, my throat hurt. That didn’t help at all, I just cried my way back home.
I arrived back home. I changed, prayed, had lunch. Watched tv for a while. Waited for '3azl or ya3goub to call so I go back to study in the library. I prepared the books that I would study from. Changed to get ready. Skinny jeans, white RL lose shirt, brown gladiators with gold studs, brown shailaa, red LV speedy. Then I just sat, and stared at my phone, waiting for it to ring so I would leave the house. I felt like a zombie. Like I was just acting while not thinking. No emotions. No feelings. Just doing whatever I had to do so the day would just pass. I didn’t feel my body move, I was doing all these things almost unintentionally. Unconsciously.
A couple of days passed by the same way.
I wasn’t me. There was no soul in my body. No life. You know the saying " take each day one at a time"? I used to find it really stupid, ye3ni how else would u take each day?! But now I get. Now, I wake up in the morning, and the first thing that comes to mind is "uuggghh another day" everyday, every single day, it's like this. So, now, I just take each day one at a time like they say. Everyday is a struggle for me not to collapse into misery.
Ya3goub: yallaa chinna darasnaa enough ilyom
'3azl: ee bes enough ta3abt, its 9! Yaallaa lets go
7ala: ee plz
ya3goub: ee yalla lets go. 7ala, you're coming to the hospital ilyom.
7ala: hhuuh?! No I'm not thank you very much
Ya3goub: yes you are. Stop talking back.
7ala: since when do u run my life and tell me what to do. I'm not going. YOU stop talking back!
'3azl: haaaay intaw! You're in the library siktaaw! Talk barraa!
We left the library and instantly I started yelling at ya3goub: shinw ye3ni "ur going today" was that an order?! I don’t take orders from anyone. I do what I want! And I don’t want to go! I don’t!
Ya3goub: that’s the problem 7ala! u doo! U doo WANT to! I know it…
7ala: (my eyes started to fill with tears) I can't… yes I want to but I can't…
Ya3goub: 7ala, if you're going to wait to be "ready" then u will never see him, li2anna u will never be ready! Ana I visit him daily! Martain bl yom, u think I'm ever ready?! No I'm not!? Everytime I step into his room it's difficult for me! you have to be stronger 7ala! stop doing this to urself
7ala: easier said than done… I cant
Ya3goub: you know what, intay mayinfa3 ma3aach hal eslwb! We're trying to be considerate bes that’s not working, so here it goes. Listen to this. STOP BEING SELFISH! You're pulling everyone down with you into your depression. We are all sad for jara7, but you are grieving! Hes not dead 7ala! u don’t have to mourn him! W 3ala fikraa itha intay chithi t7ebena w mu mit8ablaa the idea inna he's in a coma, then why aren’t u helping him wake up!? all the people that love him are around him, except for u! w intay ilmafrwth tkwnen awalhum! You have to be next to him through this! and that is why u ARE going today… fahmaa?!
I was crying now. What he said was all true. All of it, every single word. He was yelling at me, but I knew it was only because he cared obviously. I'm glad he did that. Im going. Today, I'm going to see jara7.
A while later we were outside his room. Ya3goub opened the door, I waited for him to go in so I would follow him in, but he didn’t.
Ya3goub: this is something you need to do alone 7ala
He was right. I should go in alone the first time. I stepped in. Intentionally taking tiny steps ridiculously slowly. I could hear the machines beeping. That meant his heart beat. He had a heart beat. Ye3ni he's alive. I knew that mn gabl, bes for some reason it just hit me that moment. Hes alive. I smiled and continued walking towards his bed. Instantly my smile disappeared. He had no color in his face. So pale. His arms looked so thin. Too thin. He had dark circles under his eye. His face looked like he was having a bad dream in his sleep. I just felt like shaking him and slapping his face so he would wake. This was a bad idea! Why did I come. I quickly turned around to leave but bumped into '3azl. I instantly hugged her and started crying. She rubbed my back and hushed mee. A while later I calmed down, and heard ya3goub singing in the background.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear 7alaaa
Happy birthday to you
OMG how long was I away from this world? For long was I numb? I had forgotten my own birthday. He walked in holding a cake with lit candles. They were both singing now. I stopped crying, I started to feel warm. I've been cold for soo many days now. I could breathe a little better this moment. I wrapped my arms around '3azl then turned to ya3goub and gave him a soft punch on his chest.
Ya3goub: what better way to celebrate your birthday than with your three favorite people in the world
'3azl: excuse me, ONE favorite person. Inta wiyaa just extra friends!
I looked at jara7 and smiled. Ya3goub was right. There is no better way to spend my birthday. With my love jara7, my sister '3azl and my brother, ya3goub. I looked at ya3goub and my smile grew bigger. I watched him cut the cake and put the slices on plates. What would I do without him. How would I live without him and his generosity, sense of care for everyone, his selflessness. Amazing man.
I'm so glad he made me come.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I wished for it. I wished I would never see him again. And I got my wish. I will never see him again. I can't believe this.. I must still be sleeping. You know those dreams that feel so real that you actually believe you're awake when you're not.
It's fine.. everything's fine. I'm going to wake up any moment now.
Come on! Wake up!!!
My phone rang suddenly! It was Ya3goub. I instantly thought "thank God! The ringing tone ought to wake me up!"
7ala: hala ya3goub ( I looked around, I was still in the living room, dressed for jam3a. ya3goub's phone call didn’t wake me up, because I wasn’t asleep. This was real)
Ya3goub: 7ala, diratay?
7ala: …..ammm...3an il7adth? (please say no, please say no. a9lan it might not even be jara7's car!)
Ya3goub: ee 7ala
I choked. I couldn’t talk. This can't be happening. No way. No way. Shlon? My first love? Just gone? Forever, just gone! We didn’t even get the chance to make up after our first fight. The FIGHT! Its all because of the fight! It's all because of me! he must have been driving really fast because he was mad. Because of me…. I started crying. Crying hysterically. The ugly kind. I couldn’t stop. How is a person supposed to get over an incident like this?! How am I going to survive this. It hurts so much. It literally hurts. I sat on the floor because my knees were trembling, I couldn’t hold myself up anymore
Ya3goub: 7ala! please stop crying! Stop it…
7ala: … how.. can .. I stop…? Ya3goub..!!
Jara7: tabeen ayeelch?! Are you ok?! Please don’t do anything stupid
7ala: no it's ok I'm fine…. No, no I'm not fine..i will never be.. how do I go on.. ya3gouuub.... (I continued crying. I couldn't even hear what ya3goub said after that. I only picked out a few words here and there: fine, crash, Lexus, hospital, ICU, coma, alive…)
Jara7: I'm coming to get you now. We'll go to him together.
7ala: haaa…. What?
Jara7: 7ala, please focus shwey! And stop crying! Agwlch I'm coming to you now, and we’ll go to him to the hospital together, he needs all his beloved ones around him now. If he's ever going to come out of this coma, then he's going to need us all with him for that to happen. Sam3aa. Be strong!
7ala: he's alive?! Ya3goub, he's not dead? He's alive?!
Ya3goub: laaa he's not dead! Wait, that’s why you were crying.. la 7ala he's not dead.. he's in a coma! They just cant get him to wake up. He's in the intensive care unit for now. But he IS alive.
7ala: but.. but.. the newpaper.. it said someone was killed in the accident! Sayarta ra7at feeha! How did he survive it!! ya3goub, please.. you can't tell me he's alive, then I hear again that he's dead. That would kill me, I can't go through that again! Ya3goub…
Ya3goub: 7ala, ee sayarata ra7at feeha, bes il7emdilla he surivived it. Bes the guy he hit didn’t. He crashed into a guy in a lexus, who didn’t make it. They say he died instantly in the scene of the accident. Alla yir7uma..
7ala: …. Alla yir7uma…
Ya3goub: 7ala, tabeen ayeelch?
7ala: no its ok.. i'll meet you there.. where is he?
Ya3goub: mustashfa mbarak
7ala: ok.. i'm going now. I'll see you there
Ya3goub: 7ala, calm down please. And drive safely
I couldn’t get up. I was still sitting on the cold marble floor. I started dialing '3azl's number.
'3azl: 7ala shfeech (I was crying, I couldn’t hold myself)
7ala: '3azl, Jara7 got in a car accident, he's in a coma. A coma '3azl. Ye3ni as good as dead. '3azl, I actually thought he was dead at first, because I didn’t read the newspaper article fa makint fahma what happened exactly. Bes it turns out mu ohwa illi twafa, the other guy did. Alla yir7uma. You would think that this would make me feel better, u know, the fact ina hes alive. Bes is doesn't.
'3azl: o my God. Alla yir7ma. 7ala! shinw it doesn’t make you feel better! He's alive! Ye3ni inshalla he will wake up soon! He will 7ala…
7ala: inshala…madri, I feel terrible. I feel like this is not real. Its not happening. Ye3ni I see these stuff in movies all the time, bes I never ever thought that would be happening to someone so dear to me. '3azl….( I started crying again. It's not something I can control anymore)
'3azl: 7ala.. get yourself together. be strong! Stop doing that, and saying these! I'm coming to pick you up now. where is he?
'3azl: hmmmm.. ok.. yalla 6il3ili in a few minutes.
I closed the phone and just stayed still. My body felt stiff, I couldn’t even move an inch. What felt like hours later, my phone rang . It was a message from '3azl: I'm out.
Rikabt sayarat'ha and messaged ya3goub:We are on our way..
Laman '3azl parked the car, and we left the car and started walking towards the main enterance, my heart just started pounding. I could feel it in my chest. I felt that my face was all drained from blood. My face felt numb, my hands felt cold.
Ya3goub: 7ala! '3azl! Here…
We followed ya3goub to jara7's ward. We were getting closer and closer to his room. I could hear a lady crying.
omG.. I was so selfish of thinkning how this affects me that it didn’t even cross my mind what this could be doing to his close family. My heart was racing now. We were outside his room.
I heard ya3goub talking to his parents. He was trying to make them feel better. Then after a while he introduced us to jara7's parents. I went to say hi. Then I did something. Involuntarily. It just happened. Like the tears. I hugged his mom. I hugged her so hard, and she was hugging me back. I felt like I knew her for years, like she was my mom too and we were both grieveing for a lost beloved one. After a while I felt '3azl's hand on my back, so I let go of his mom. I don’t know if that was appropriate or not, but it made me feel better. At least for a while.
I saw ya3goub opening the door to jara7s room, and he signaled to me to follow him. I was going to I couldn’t. My feet wouldn’t move. Or maybe I didn’t want my feet to move. How in the world am I going to go in to see him like that. I just cant. I hate to admit it bit I'm too weak. I cant see im like that. I cant. I kept imaging him just laying there. Still as a statue. Not moving, barely breathing. How can such as energetic person just lose life this way. The idea of not having him sqeeze my hand back, pained me. The idea of not having him reply to me when I called his name hurt. I was now finding it hard to swallow, like something was stuck in my throat. My breaths got deeper and faster. I felt something heavy pushing on my chest. It literally hurt.
I started to think of the irony. He was in Mbarak hospital, the place where I would be training for my education as a Doctor for the next few years. What if I graduated. What if I moved on with my life and he was still there. Still here in this same position on this same bed. What if he never woke up?
'3azl: 7ala, yalla. Aren’t you going to go in?
7ala: I cant.. walla I cant. I'm not ready yet. (I don’t know if I will ever be ready?!)
Ya3goub: 3ala ra7tch.. ardch ilbait?
'3azl: its ok ill take her home. Your friend needs you right now. you go in. she'll be fine with me.
'3azl was now dragging me and leading me to the car. I lost my orientation. Even though I have been in this hospital so many times for training, I just didn’t recognize the place anymore. It felt strange to me. Its weird that this familiar place is now new territory to me, now that I'm not roaming around it as a training Dr. but as a visitor. I visitor that won't even VISIT her beloved boyfriend . What was wrong with me. I need to be strong. If not for myself then for him. For jara7. I need to be supportive to help his family through this. Until he wakes up. He has to wake up.
Before I knew it, I was laying in my bed, '3azl was taking off my shoes for me, and covering me with my blanket, she kissed me on my forhead and said something. I'm guessing call me when you wake up, or something like that. I couldn’t hear her. I was losing my consciousness. Maybe I will dream of jara7 before he went in a coma. And if I do dream of him, I wish I would never wake up.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
I got dressed to go to the koleya. I was soooo not in the mood. I just wanted the day to end. I wanted the fight to end. But I wasn’t going to call jara7 just yet. What was I going t tell him? I needed time to think.
I was early to the lecture and '3azl wasn’t here yet. So, I decided to chat with ya3goub for a while. I saw him talking on the phone when I came in earlier, so I went back to him. Maybe he's done by now. As I approached him, I noticed that he was still talking on the phone. He was talking loudly. Not shouting, but not talking either. He sounded upset. I guess everybody is having one of those days today! I heard him say jara7's name! Was he talking to him or about him? I went closer to listen but made sure he didn’t see me.
Ya3goub: jara7! Inta tadri inni ma artha 3alaiha?! Sh7aga tgwlaha hal kalam.
…………....(jara7 was saying something over the phone) int tadree ay kalam! Inha mta3bitik! Mat3abitik ha?! Latinsa inna ana illi sa3adtk b kilshay! Inta a9lan masawait shay!................ la masawait shay!
(Shiwn ye3ni masawa shey?! I was so confused now)
ya3goub: ana kint asa3dk 3alshanha ihya! Abeeha ehya tkwn mistansa! Walla lo adri ink ra7 itsawe feha chithi chan masa3adtk! Lesh tijra7ha chithi……………..…… ok ana fahamt hal ni86a, ink kint ma3a rab3k, bes lesh tgwlha ink ta3abt minha?! W inta mu ga3ed tsawee shay asasan………………..ana 8a9di inna ma kan la da3i itgwlaha chithi! W bima inni ana a3aref il9ij, inik int mata3abt walla shay, fa b9ara7a achoof inna illi gitlaha iya kan mala da3i kilsh, thayagt'ha ya a5i! walla ilbnaya 9adegat inha mta3betk ma3aha, w inha "needy" 3ala golat'ha……………..…..ee akeed lazm tit2asaf!...................walla 3ad madri shlon! La awal marra b 3ala8tk ma3aha, 7awel ink tfakr b shay! Ye3ni 9arlk ma3aha 6 ash'hur , w laman al7een mint 3arf shlon tratheeha?!............................jara7 madri! Fakr!................... ma3ak 7ag. W 3alshan chithi ra7 asa3dk hal marra ba3ad, 3alashanha ihya. Bes 3alshanha! A5er marra jara7!...................... la tashkirni!
(I hope I'm understanding this the wrong way! I hope that I got it all wrong, because if it is what I'm thinking, then I don’t think I can forgive jara7)
Ya3goub: tigdar tsawelaha shay 7ag 3eed meeldha, latgwli ba3ad ink nasee?!........................la? zain il7emdila ink mit'thkr!............................ee hal yim3a! 9a7…………………….. madri afakr b shay w agwlk…………….…………… la magdr a36eek ilhadeya illi ana shareeha laha………………………….. li2ani already 3a6aitk iyaha!!....................... eee ilkitab illi 3a6aitk iya gabl, kan ilmafrwth ikwn hadeyat 3eed meladha minni!............................shinw ay kitab! Mu min 9ijk! Il "cholera" ! walla ink matistahalha!!.....................................ana nafsk madri shayeeblaha! Ye3ni al7een lazm afkr b shay mink w minni! ……………………… 5ala9 inshalla! yalla jara7 bye! ……… bye!!
O my God….. it never was jara7. It was all ya3goub planning everything all along. All the dates, all the gifts. Was he even telling him what to say?! I can't believe this.. not only am I hurt that none of it was from jara7, I'm now even more hurt that he was trying to use it against me! ta3abta?!! Ana ta3abtaa ohwa?! If anything, ana kint mta3ba ya3goub! Not HIM! I ran to my car before ya3goub could see me. I cried all the way home. When I arrived home, I messaged '3azl: I'm not feeling well ilyom. Mara7 a7thr lectures.
She called me but I didn’t answer. There is no way I can talk to anyone right now. Lucky for me that I didn’t sleep well last night, since I was thinking about the FIGHT, now I was able to just fall asleep on my bed, with my clothes and shoes on. I was too sad and weak to change or do anything. I slept and slept. When it was lunch time, my mom came into my room to tell me to come downstairs and eat. She was surprised to see me in that condition. I was able to convince her that I came home early because I was having a bad migraine and that I didn’t want to eat. As soon as she left me, I changed into my PJ's and buried myself under the covers. I continued crying till I fell asleep, again.
A while later, I have no idea how long I have been sleeping, I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. It was ya3goub. I really wasn’t in the mood to answer, but I did.
Ya3goub: ha 7ala? wainch ilyom? Lesh ma dawamtay?
7ala: ta3bana, mali5ilg.
Ya3goub: ee mabayen min 9otch. Salamaat, matchoofeen shar (if only he knew my voice sounded like that because of all the crying, not because I was sick)
7ala:…………..allla ysall..(I started crying)
7ala: ma feeni shay….
Ya3goub: 7ala?! 5al9ini shfeech?!
7ala: ….jara7..ana adrii inna…(he didn’t let me continue)
Ya3goub: oofffff.. lail7eench! 5ala9, besch bachi! Ilsalfa matiswa. You both didn’t mean it! w ana adri inch 3aneeda w rasch yabes w mara7 tit2asefain gabla. Bes inshalla uhwa biratheech. Stop worrying about it. And stop crying!!
7ala: inshalla (if only he knew that I knew)
Ya3goub: yalla gumay '3aslay wayhch, 9alay w ta3alay ilkoleya. We'll study together.
7ala: inshalla.. see you.
I looked at the time, it was almost 4. I've been forcing myself to sleep since 9am this morning! I felt disgusting! I went to take a shower. Laman 6ala3t, dagait 3ala '3azl to tell her inni bared ilkoleya to study soon.
An hour later I was in the library studying with '3azl and ya3goub. I wasn’t really studying. I couldn’t. But I didn’t want to make a scene, so every few minutes I would just flip the page of the book that I was supposed to by "studying" from. I don’t think '3azl and ya3goub fell for it, but they still kept quiet. A while later, I got a message from jara7:
7ala. Ana asef. Sam7ini 3al kalamn illi gitlch iya. Walla ma kan 8a9di. Let me make it up for you. 6il3ili barra to the parking lot.
I looked up to see ya3goub smiling at me. He knew it was jara7. And I bet he knew exactly what he was up to.
7ala: come with me. Both of you. Mabi a6la3la brw7i
We left the library, and headed for the parking lot. I could see his car parked next to mine. He was waiting next to his car, so we walked towards him.
Jara7: 7ala.. don’t say anything… let me talk, just listen
I wasn’t going to talk anyways. I couldn’t even look at him. None of them knew the real reason why I was mad, so I bet they were all thinking that I was OVERoverreacting.
Jara7: 7ala ana asef. I didn’t mean the things I said. You have no idea how much I enjoy spending time with you. I won't lie and say inna I don’t find it difficult to please you, because I do. I find it really difficult. Well actually, I FOUND it difficult. But now I understand that it doesn’t have to be this way. That's not who you are. You don’t need all that. You just want to be simply loved by me. From now on I'm going to keep it simple. I have a gift for you. And this one I DID enjoy planning. I hope you like it. Bes mostly I hope you forgive me. (I can't believe he's still playing along that HE planned the other gifts)
He got something from his car. It was a book. ANOTHER book?! Hhhmmm..that didn’t impress me.
Jara7: here's a book. You can add it to your collection.
He handed it to me. I looked at the cover, it was a photo of his car. I gave him a puzzled look.
Jara7: it's a limited edition. Only one copy exists. I made it.
I read the title, the book was called: "when a Cayenne meets an LR3". I smiled, even though I didn’t want to. I opened the book at a random page. And read it out loud:
"November 11th. Our first date. (also my birthday) she's my gift from God. I took her to the beach. She wouldn't stop staring at the beautiful view. I couldn’t stop staring at her. It was just one infinite moment of love, with no beginning and no end"
I closed the book, as a felt my eyes tear up. I took a deep breath as a strategy to hold back the tears. I failed. I wiped a tear and looked at '3azl, who was smiling at me. I couldn’t get myself to smile back.
I looked at ya3goub, then at jara7, then back at ya3goub.
7ala: ya3goub. Bas2ilk su2al, w abeek tjawibni bkil 9ara7a. li2ank itha chathabt 3alay mara7 asm7ik int ba3ad.
Ya3goub: 7ala… shfeech? you don’t like the gift?
7ala: I do.. I love it, that’s the problem. I love the gift. And I thought I loved the man who was giving me these gifts. But then again, I thought that the man giving me these gifts was jara7!!… ya3goub, is this from him? Or you? Who thought of it?! who's is it really from? Who's heart are these words coming from? Minw?!
He didn’t reply. I looked at jara7. He was looking at the floor.
7ala: I guess that answers my question
I threw the book at jara7.
7ala: thank you! I love it! (I said sarcastically)
I got in my car and drove home. And again, just like déjà vu, I was back in my bed under the covers, just crying. I was so mad. This time not only at jara7 but ya3goub too. Because he was lying at me too. He had let me fall in love with the wrong guy. He was misleading me just as much as jara7 was. I hated jara7 now. I WISH I NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN IN MY LIFE!. After that thought, I had cried myself to sleep.
The next morning, I woke up and I could actually feel how puffy my eyes were because I couldn’t open them completely. I really didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to face reality. I didn’t want to face the fact that people lied and stole hearts then broke them. I messaged '3azl: "'3azl, I'm heartbroken.. I can't get out of bed" she replied immediately: 7ala! if you're heart was broken you would be dead! So shut up and get out of bed! Get yourself together. Yalla, we will go through this together"
I got up because I knew that if I didn’t she would come over to my house and make a scene. So I got up and went through my morning routine, as an act to feel like this is a normal day.
I washed up, got dressed, and flipped through the newspaper while I drank my morning coffee. I didn’t find any articles about my dad. But, I did find something. Something I wish I didn’t find. Something that made me wish I had just stayed in bed.
I read the headline again, just to make sure that my eyes weren't messed up from all the crying. I kept reading it again and again but the words were the same. I had read it correctly the first time. I was getting dizzy, and the words and letters wouldn’t stop dancing around the paper. I read it one last time: 7adth raheeb yo2adi ila ma8tal shab… and under the headline, next to the article describing this "7adeth raheeb" , was a photo of a car that was so messed up to was almost the a piece of metal junk. But not too messed up, I could tell what car it was. The Golden Cayenne.
I guess that's why they always say, be careful what you wish for cuz you just might get it!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
This was a normal day. Like any other happy day. Me, Jara7, in love. Little did I know that it would turn into hell on earth.
Jara7: aloo.. ha 7ala..?!
7ala: hala 7abeeby shlonk?
Jara7: oooffff offff shifta shsaawaaaa!! Walla ra7at feeha sayarta!
7ala: alllooooo.. jara7?!
Jara7: 7ala… ana bl bar ma3a rab3i..we're going to race now.. akalmch ba3dain
7ala: o ok.. well have fun 7abeeby! W deer balk please!
Jara7: haaa? Masma3? Sshooofa shooofa!! T9adg yabela Ferrari!!
7ala: jara7.. aloo
Jara7: ok 7ala.. byee!!
Ammmmm… ok? He just hung up on me. Should I be upset? I mean, he's with his friends akeed he doesn’t want to be talking to his girlfriend around shabab bes still why did he just hang up?! He wasn’t even paying attention to what I was saying! Hhhh.. ok that’s not a very good start to a lovely Saturday morning. I decided to call '3azl and make plans. He’ll call me when he's done. Kaifa!
7ala: hi '3azl.. shinw binsawee ilyom?!
'3azl: hii.. good morning.. madri kaifch?
7ala: lunch… movie?
'3azl: add a bit of shopping before that.
7ala: heheh sounds great. Meet you in the avenues in an hour?
'3azl: ok see you.. byee!
I got out of bed, washed up then looked in my closet for something to wear. I need something comfy. Something I can shop in.. not too many layers so I can change in and out of my clothes easily. God! I don’t have anything to wear! Seriously! I'm glad '3azl suggested shopping. I'm running out of clothes. A5eeran, I decided on a loose navy kenzo blouse, white skinnies, grey shaila and my Louis vuitton Stephan Sprouse green speedy, silver crystal filled sandals. The sandals were really open, my foot felt so bare, so I decided to paint my nails with Chanel 's Blue Satin nailpolish..Makeup: mascara, and cherry labello. I wasn’t in the mood to put anything else. I looked in the mirror. Good enough. Then I got my phone and messaged '3azl: I'm leaving the house now.
Half an hour later we were both shopping in Massimo Dutti. We always shopped together because we were honest with each other. We were too close to be shy to say things like: nooo! It makes your butt look huge.. or ymatnich! Or laaa waiii3 ugly.. we had the same taste so we always trusted each others' opinion! By 2pm we were tired of shopping for clothes. We had bought enough. Not that you can ever buy ENOUGH clothes, but it was enough for now. So, we decided to eat lunch in Johny Rockets. I ordered my usual and so did '3azl. We always ordered certain dishes in specific restaurants. We weren’t really open to trying new things. While we ate, I told her about the phone call I had this morning with jara7. She told me not to make a big deal out of it.
'3azl: most guys act differently around their friends. Plus you know that he's crazy in love with you, so 6af
7ala: ee I know. bes madri, ye3ni he could have at least listened to what I was saying. Kilsh ma3abarni. I didn’t even message him to tell him I was going out with you. Bes kaifa. I'll just tell him inna he was too busy fa I just went ahead.
Jara7 and I had this thing where we told each other where we were going whenever we were going out. He especially always needs to know where I am and with who. It's not that he would ever tell me NOT to go to a certain place, he just liked knowing where I was most of the time. Actually, ALL the time. One time, I was going to the salon, to you know, do what we girls do, w magitla. Ye3ni I felt awkward telling him barw7 ilsalon! Bes tethayag mini! So now, jara7 daymn y3arf ana wain, even if bilsalon! But I didn’t mind at all. I knew it was him being protective. He was worse than ya3goub at that!
A while later, we were done with lunch. We decided to check the movies. We couldn’t find anything at the avenues. It was either inappropriate timing, or no seats. So we just booked the movie in marina. That’s how much we wanted to watch it. We've been waiting for it for so long. We left avenues and headed to marina.
The movie was great! '3azl and I really enjoyed it. Awal ma 6ala3na min iltheatre, I got a message from WHO. It said I had 7 missed calls. All from jara7!
7ala: alla yastr..
I called him back immediately. The phone rang only once and he instantly answered.
Jara7: intay wain?!!!
7ala: hehehe.. shfeek ana b marina, kint b avenues bes we couldn’t find a movie there.
Jara7: ba3aaaad! Avenues w marina! Matadreen innna ilyom za7ma! Lazm marina?! w sh7aga jehazch mu'3la8?! (his voice had gone 10 levels louder now!)
7ala: jara7? Shfeeek? Lesh t9ar5?!
Jara7: guleely sh7aga jihazch msakar!
7ala: mu min 9ijk! Ye3ni lesh msakar mathalan?! I was at the movies! Makw service! (now I was almost, almost, screaming back)
Jara7: w ana lesh ma adri inch bitrw7een avenues ba3dain ilcinema b marina?!
7ala: la walla?! Ana mu dagait 3alaik ilyom il9ib7?! W u were too busy to talk to me!
Jara7: lat'3ayreen ilmawthoo3! Ana ga3d as2lch sh7agda trw7een w matgwleenly?!
7ala: shinw la a'3ayer il mawthw3! This is the mawthw3! I couldn’t tell you cuz u just hung up on me!
Jara7: fe shay isma message! ( as soon as he said that, I realized what I had done. I did consider sending him a message but I decided not to. I didn’t WANT to. I unconsciously wanted to let him know inna ana tithayagt that he hung up on me, so I decided to ignore him back! I started this fight. Not intentionally. But I did.)
Jara7: shfeech sikatay?! Ye3ni tadreen inna you could have messaged me! chan garait ilmessage umuta ma fathait w darait intay wain! But no, you decided not to message and let me know where you were going? Lesh? Shinw kan 8a9dch b hal 7araka?
7ala: nothing! Shfeek?! Ye3ni I'm sorry I didn’t message 5ala9! stop making a big deal out of it!
Jara7: I'm not the one who's MAKING a big deal out of it! you're the one who MADE a big deal out of the phone call this morning!
Jara7: la 7ala 5aleene akamel! Intay tadreen inni ma7eb illi ykabrwn ay salfa 9'3eera. Bes ana t3awadt 3alaich innich wayed you overreact. Bes 3ad mu chithi! Kint ma3a rab3i w magedart akalmch! Shfeeha? Ma kan la da3i inch tsaween chithi bes 3alshan t'thaygeeny mithl ma thayagtch! Intay t3amadtay, w ana ma kint mit3amd. Tara ana ma7eb drama w intay t3arfeen hal shay! I can't always give you all my attention! Ye3ni kafi inna all our dates HAVE to be thought out days earlier just so that you like them! Don’t be too needy all the time. Tara ana ta3abt!
7ala: I can't believe you just said that. bye jara7..
Jara7: 7ala! latsakrena b wayhi sam3a! 5alene akamel kalami w atfaham ma3ach.
7ala: I cant talk to you when you're in this mood. Madri shfeek . and you're scaring me! laman tihda rid dig 3alay! bye!
I closed the phone. I couldn’t believe we were fighting about a stupid phone call! Ok, I do get where he's coming from. I did try to get back at him, for talking to me that way in the morning, by not telling him about my plans. Bes still! I didn’t mean for it to turn into this huge fight! Why was he screaming at me like that!
He called again, I ignored.
And what did he mean by me being too needy?! W ina ohwa ta3ab! Shinw ye3ni ta3ab?! I never ASKED him for romantic dates. I did love them, but I never said they all had to be like that. I loved hanging out with him where ever we were. Ma3nata he didn’t enjoy planning them. He didn’t WANT to plan them. He thought he HAD to.
He didn’t mean them from his heart. He was just trying to impress me cuz he thought that's what I wanted. Cuz he thought I was demanding and needy.
He called again. And I ignored, again.
'3azl: what just happened?!
7ala: I don’t feel like talking about it '3azl. I'm going home. Adg 3alaich ba3dain.
On my way home I couldn’t stop crying and he wouldn’t stop calling. I kept ignoring. Laman wi9alt ilbait, I ran up to my room, and threw myself into my bed. I kept rewinding the fight. I kept hearing him scream at me over and over again. For once, I hated the way his voice sounded. So aggressive. So scary.
He kept calling. He had reached almost 21 missed calls by now, until he gave up. I decided to call ya3goub. Laman I called him 6ila3li inna he had another call. I was about to close the phone when he answered.
Ya3goub: hala 7ala.. shfech matredeen 3ala jara7! He's on the other line now. And hes going crazy! (I should have known he would call ya3goub!)
7ala: ok please don’t tell him inna you're talking to me now.. call me when you're done with him.
Ya3goub: I already mentioned ina you're calling on the other line.
7ala: great. 5ala9 ok. I'll just talk to you later.
I closed the phone before he could say anything. I knew he would try to convince me to call jara7. But I wasn’t going to. At least not for a while. I was really hurt. I couldn’t believe he would just scream at me like that. And the things he said! omG the things he said. It makes me think of him so differently. My phone rang. It was a message from jara7:
7ala. willi salmch riday 3alay. Ana asef inna 9ara5t 3alaich chithi. Bes 5alena nitfaham. Please dont make this worse than it already is!
Great now he's making it sound like it 's my fault. I replied:
Jara7 plz. Give me some time. The things you said really hurt me. I'll call you when I'm ready
I decided to call ya3goub again. He didn’t have another call this time. Ashwa
Ya3goub: 7ala riday 3alaih
7ala: mara7 ard! Int matadree ohwa shgali! Inna I'm needy w madri shinw. La w galli inna ta3ab from planning dates and that I'm demanding!
Ya3goub: ta3ab? (he chuckled quietly, but loud enough for me to hear)
7ala: lesh tith7ak?!
Ya3goub: la mafeeny shay. 5ala9 3ayal dam ina ta3ab latredeen 3alaih for a while, 5alee yirta7. Ta3ab ha? (he chuckled again, this time the kind of laugh when you mean you're angry)
7ala: ya3goub shfeeek! This is not funny
Ya3goub: no no, its not. That's not why I'm laughing. bes tithakart shay. Ilmohmim, mithl magitlch, ray7ee for a while
7ala: hatha illi basawee! Walla I can't believe it. He really hurt me! And my birthday is coming up this week! Alllaaa! What a nice way to celebrate it! Fighting with jara7.
Ya3goub: ok 7ala haday shwey! This won't ruin your birthday. You two will be fine by then. Don’t worry!
7ala: inshalla we will. But ya3goub, it's going to be awkward from now on. It won't be the same. Ye3ni mathalan if he plans something nice for my birthday, I will think whether or not he meant it? You know?! Waaaaay! Iff bes 5ala9 5ala9 whetever. I just want to be done with today! For once I'm looking forward to dawam bacher!
Like I said, hell on earth. I just wanted to fall asleep fast! I wanted it to be tomorrow. Maybe by then it will all be alright.
I had a horrible nightmare that night. Jara7 had planned a romantic dinner for me at his house. He had filled the floor with rose petals. Every inch. But then the rose petals were growing in number. I was drowning in them. I couldn’t breathe!
Faj2a I woke up. I was up before my alarm in half an hour. Even though I was awake, the nightmare continued today!
Friday, April 24, 2009
He looked at me and smiled a cheeky smile. That was a new one to me. I hadn't seen this look before. It was cute. Like he was up to something. He put his hands in his pocket and took out his pack of Davidoff lights. He took out one cigarette and put it in his mouth.
Jara7: ok.. lets see if this gift works.
I was disappointed. By giving him this gift, I had let down my guards and let myself be vulnerable. I was indirectly telling him that I loved him, and asking him if he loved me back. Was he trying to tell me "no?" I put my head down and just stared at my clown yellow feet. I heard him light the cigarette.
Jara7: It does work. Mashkwra 7ala 3al hadeya.
I heard him inhale, then exhale. I could smell the smoke. My chest felt tight. Not because of the smoke, but because I was hurt. What was he trying to say? Is it "no I won't quit cuz I don’t love you"?! I could feel my eyes fill with tears. But I wasn’t going to let myself cry in front of him! I tried to hold the tears back. Really tried!
Jara7: you know. They say that smoking takes years off of your life…I don’t like the sound of that, because I was planning on spending the rest of my life with you!
I saw the cigarette fall to the sand next to my feet. Then I saw his feet squishing the cigarette to put it out.
Jara7: I don’t want YEARS taken from our life together.
I couldn’t hold my tears any longer. This time happy tears. I just couldn’t! I let out a loud sob and just threw my arms around him! I was crying so much, I couldn’t keep still, and I had gotten his shirt wet with all the tears and my runny nose. He rubbed my back trying to calm me down.
Jara7: 7ala shfeeech?!
It took me a while to gather my breath and talk.
7ala: why did you do that earlier! You scared me to death! I thought that was your way of saying you DON’T love me! I thought…
Jara7: 7ala, 7ala. I love you. I always will. Please just stop crying! I was trying to be funny.. you know me, a7ib ilaction! I just needed one last cigarette!
7ala: ana dayman agwlk you're not funny! Lesh matyooz! (my voice was so weird now, cuz my nose was blocked!)
Jara7: inzain 5ala9 ana asef. No more jokes. Bes intay please stop crying! That’s not what I imagined our time of saying "I love you" would be like.
7ala: I'm sorry. I know I look hideous! And I ruined your shirt…(even though I was serious, he let out a loud laugh)
Jara7: you don’t look hideous! You look perfect. And I don’t care about the shirt. 7ala.. I care about you. I love you.
7ala: I do too..
That was the night we exchanged our "I love you"s. And like jara7 said, it wasn’t what we had imagined it would be like, but at least it's a night we would never forget. So memorable.
( a few months later)
My relationship with Jara7 was going great. We have been together for almost 6 months now. He's the first boyfriend I ever had. The first serious relationship I ever had. My first love.
We continued going on romantic dates. I love the fact that they were all romantic and thoughtful. We went to shweikh beach a few more times. It was really nice to go back to the place of our first date and see how our relationship has grown each time. Sometimes he would just come over to my college and we would hang out. Sometimes we would study together in our library. We had gotten quite close and inseparable. Not a day passed without us talking, and we tried to see each other as much as we could. We never let more than 2 days pass without seeing each other. Even if it just meant him passing by the koleya to say hi. But with Jara7, it was never that simple. Even just coming to say hi was never JUST that. He would come with a rose, or heart shaped chocolates, anything. Ilmohim, inna it was never boring. Always romantic and thought out.
A few days ago we celebrated our 6 months anniversary. Half a year! I couldn’t believe how fast time had passed. It was amazing. Something I would never forget even if I wanted to. It was soo obvious that it took days and days of planning to get it perfect. And as usual, he always "had his ways" to make it work.
This time he gave me a hint of what I should wear. He asked me to dress up and look "elegant" was his word. I decide on wide high waste black trousers, a ruffled white shirt, black shaila, Red Marni pumps with gold hardware, and a gold Prada clutch. He asked me to meet him in the lobby of Marina Hotel. A porter came up to me and asked: "Madame, you are with Mr, Jara7?" I said yes and followed him into the elevator. The elevator finally opened and there was a staircase infront of me. Now we were taking the stairs, I'm guessing to the ceiling. Jara7 had arranged with the hotel to set us a table on the rooftop. The floor around our table was filled with rose petals and candles ofcorse. And there was a violin player standing by the table, playing slow lovely music. It all looked so perfect, except for one thing. Jara7. Where was he? I looked around but I couldn’t find him. Faj2a he came up from behind me. Madri min wain 6ala3! I didn't even hear him. He looked amazing. I had never seen him in a dishdasha and ghitra before. He looked great in it. So manly.
Jara7: you look amazing
7ala: you do too (I smiled)
He lead me to the table, and held the chair out for me. I sat and waited for him to sit infront of me. I loved the idea. This way we were out in public for the first time, but not really in public. Nobody saw us, it was just me and him on top of the world. And ofcorse, the waiter that occasionally passed by to check on us. The food was great, our talks were amazing, it was just so romantic. I actually teared. Jara7 got worried thinking that he had done something wrong.
Jara7: shfeech? thayagtch b shay?
7ala: laa.. its all perfect. You know, happy tears
Jara7: 7ala! lat5ar3ini chithi.. you're sad you cry.. you’re happy you cry..lesh chithi? just smile and tell me you love me..
7ala: I love you.
The truth was that he had not done anything wrong. Nothing at all. That was what was scaring me. It was all too good to be true. The night ended, and he followed me to our house with his car to make sure I arrived safely. Dashait ilbait, changed into my pyjamas and tucked myself in bed. I got my phone and messaged Jara7: thanks 7abeeby.. I don’t know what I ever did with my life to deserve you.
A minute later he called me..
Jara7: what did you say..?!
7ala: I said I don’t know what I did to deserve you. Shfeek.. ( I knew exactly what he was talking about.. he meant the word before that. I hadn’t used it before)
Jara7: laaa.. ilkilma illi gabilha.. shinw giltaaay..
7ala: gilt thanx! (I can't say it.. shfeeni?!)
Jara7: laa tistahbilaaain 7ala…. abi asma3ha minch.. ma yinfa3 message..
Jara7: ee.. this word..aallllllaaa… ya 7ilw hal kilma minch!! 5ala9, from now on.. ana mu Jara7.. and 7abeby… 7abeebch ye3niii (he teased)
7ala: hehehe ee inshalla
Jara7: inshalla 7abeeby!
7ala: inshalla 7abeeby.. (it felt so right saying it to him, li2anna ohwa 9ij 7abeeby!)
Jara7: okkk.. 7abibti.. yalla ti9be7een 3ala 5air..nom il3awafi inshalla
7ala: w inta min ahla.. byee
That night he called me 7abibti as well.. It sounded so sweet coming from him.. I never got why people said it’s a big deal to use these words. But now I do. It changes everything. It meant he's mine.. and I'm his..we belong to each other.
Like I said, it was all going greatly. Can it possibly get any better? I really can’t imagine myself happier than I am now. I can't. If there was such a thing as perfection, then my relationship with jara7 is perfect. We understand each other. We enjoy each other's company, even if we’re just sitting quietly and studying together. He is so thoughtful and really understands me. He makes me feel so happy, and warm and special. He knows how to show me that he loves me.
I love him.
But, as they say, all good things must come to end, because today, we had our first fight.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
That night I couldn’t sleep. Remember the feeling when you were a kid and tomorrow was going to be the first day of school and you just can't sleep? I felt that way. I was over excited that I just couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t wait for tomorrow. Jara7 and I were now at a new level in our relationship. It was going great so far. And I was really looking forward to our future. I just caaant sleep! So, I decide to call Ya3goub.
7ala: ya3goub? shinw minw? I7na b2ay 8arn? fe shay isma caller ID!
Ya3goub: did your car just happen to stop in the middle of the road again? Or what is it this time?!
7ala: ya3goub!! No I'm fine. I just can't sleep. I want to chat
Ya3goub: isa3a cham 7ala…?
7ala: a5af agwlk..
Ya3goub: hhhhhh… Walla btalasht feech ana.. ok yalla chat..
7ala: 5ala9.. I don’t want to chat with u when you're in this mood.. hawant bye
Ya3goub: 7ala.. chat.. I want to chat with you.. please chat..
Ya3goub: la 7asha!
7ala: ok ba6aweflk this time li2anna seriously I want to chat
Ya3goub: 7ala if you say the word "chat" again walla basd il telefon!
7ala: hehehe ok ok… sorry.. anyways.. so ask me how was my date today. Well actually, at this time, its yesterday by now hehehe
Ya3goub: so how was your date yesterday?
7ala: remember that dream I told you about?! Laman tha7akt 3alay?! Well.. it was just like that.. except inna I wasn’t wearing crocs.. he brought crocs with him just in case! How sweet! It was the best night ever.. picnic by the beach on sunset.. then a walk by the beach in the dark.. I loved it!
Ya3goub: I'm glad you did.. I really am..
7ala: thanks.. by the way!!
Ya3goub: shinw ba3ad?
7ala: why didn’t you tell me it was his birthday ilyom? I mean ams.. or whatever!
Ya3goub: weeee nisait t9adgeen! Zain inch thakartnini yam3awda!
7ala: ya3goub shlon mat3arf your friend's birthday!!
Ya3goub: intay do you know ALL your friends' birthdays? I've only known him for 2 years laman kina bilthanwiya, then we lost touch, unitl he met you. Ye3ni we're friends bes not THAT close. I just forgot.. its not s big deal.
7ala: o I thought you guys were tight?
Ya3goub: 7ala,, we're friends now.. does it make a difference?
7ala: no.. bes chithi su2al.. ilmohim…I need help..
7ala: what should I get him for his birthday? Ye3ni what do guys like?
Ya3goub: intay ba3ad?!
Ya3goub: he asks me about you. W intay you ask me about him.. hahaha.. ok ok.. I'll help you 7ala.. hahaha
7ala: stop laughing
Ya3goub: ok ok.. 5ala9.. intay what do you have in mind?
7ala: madri.. I was thinking a watch or cufflings.. ooorr mmmmm.. shrayk madri?
Ya3goub: ee these are nice things. Kaifch
7ala: adri kaifi.. that’s not helpful ya3goub..ye3ni these are things I bought for my dad.. madri a7is abi shay special..especilly inna it’s the first gift I get him
Ya3goub: ee fahamt 8a9dch..ok 3indi fikra.. he's always looking for a lighter and always needs to buy a new one.. get him a classy one..you ge….
7ala: la walla?! Ayebla wala3a?! that's like telling him go ahead smoke! Kill yourself slowly!
Ya3goub: ma5alaitni akaml kalami.. bes ok fine.. kaifch
7ala: gwl.. lets see what good comes out of this!
Ya3goub: get him a classy lighter that he can use all the time, and you can carve something on it.. ye3ni make it special 3ala goltch..
7ala: omG I love the idea..thaaaaanks ya3goub.. walla shasawi bidwnk?!
7a3goub: madrii.. (he yawned)
7ala: ok ok.. yalla go sleep.. thanks again! Ti9ba7 3ala 5air!
Ya3goub: no problem.. wintay mn ahla.. byee
I put the phone under my pillow. I lay down and just thought about what to carve on the lighter. What would be personal and meaning full? What would be thoughtful and about US? I got a lot of random thoughts.. our initials… the date of his birthday which is the same as our first date..or just simply happy birthday..? no.. I abi shay really special..abi something that would make him smile everytime he uses it.. but I seriously hate the fact that I'm in a way encouraging smoking.. hhhmmmm…faj2a I got the best idea ever!
I closed my eyes and waited to fall asleep.. I could feel myself smiling even though I wasn’t doing it intentionally. Finally, sometime later I fell asleep.
My morning alarm went on.. I woke up in a very good mood. Before starting my morning routine, I took my phone and messaged jara7: "9aba7 il5air! I had a great night ams! Don’t forget inna I'm giving you your gift tonight! cant wait to see you again!
An hour later I was in the lecture room. I told '3azl about the idea jara7 gave me and the personal touch I was going to add to it. As soon as our lecture was done, we went shopping for a lighter. There were so many to choose from. I just didn’t know what to get. A5eeran I decided on a St. Dupant gold lighter. It was perfect. Just the right shape and size. After that, we immediately went to that place Ya3goub told me about to get it engraved. They told me it would be done in two hours, so '3azl and I decided to go out for lunch while it was done. Ri7na chillis ilba7ar. We ordered and ate and talked. The whole time I just couldn’t wait for the gift to be done. Not only because I wanted to give it to Jara7 as soon as possible, but also because I wanted a reason to see him again. Finally we were done, and the lighter was ready. I messaged jara7: same place as last night. Meet you there at 6pm.
Jara7: cant wait ;)
I went home to get ready. This time I wanted to be dressed appropriately so that we can walk by the beach for a longer time than yesterday. So that I spend more time with him! I decided on my black juicy velour tracksuit with a white shirt from under, and I thought it would be cute if I wore his crocs. I wore my across-the-chest-over-the-shoulder silver miu miu coffer.
By 5: 30 I was there. I was so impatient I just had to leave the house. At 5:37 he was there too.
While I was tuning the car off, Jara7 opened the door for me. He held my hand as I got out of the car and he was singing another majeed song to me: "ma gidart a9br w jeetk gabl maw3dna b sa3a.. w il'3areeb inni ligaitk tnt'thr gabli b sa3a.."
7ala: so I guess we're both early hehehe
Jara7: ee! I guess laihal daraja mu gadreen infarg ba3ath (I smiled). So wear's my gift?!
7ala: here (I put up the bag so he can see it) lets go for a walk first..
We walked for almost an hour, and just talked. I love talking to him. Even more than that, I loved listening to him talk. I love his sweet masculine voice..
Jara7: ok yalla 3ad! Mita bta36eeny haditi?!
7ala: hehehe.. here you go..
I watched him unwrap it with a smile..i was smiling too.. this was just so perfect.
7ala: inshalla 3jbtk ilhadeya?
Jara7: ee wayed..3ad 9ij walla kint mi7taj wala3a.. dayman adwrli wa7da.. now problem solved!
7ala: flip it over..
He flipped it over and was trying to look for whatever I meant. It was too dark, so I took out my phone and pointed the screen light on the wala3a. He let out a slight laugh, then read out the engraving:
"if you love me, then quit "