Friday, September 4, 2009
Chapter 18: The sun will come out tomorrow
A few days have passed since my birthday, since the first time I saw Jara7 in his coma. I lot has changed since then. A week has passed with the same routine. After me '3azl and ya3goub are done with studying in the library at night, we would visit jara7. We either continue studying some more, or quiz each other or simply have dinner and just chat. Whatever we did, it was always fun, the doctor says it's great. He needs all this positive energy around him.
My phone rang, it was '3azl.
'3azl: hiiiii 7alaa, shlonch
7ala: hehehe shfeeech shfeeech?! Ana tamam il7emdilaa, intay shfeeech in a very good mood haaa?!
'3azl: eeeeh la mafini shay hehe, bes in a good mood. Shopping mood! Tyeeen?! I have my dads credit card!
7ala: haha ahaaaaaa eeee fahamt fahamt! La la shlon ayiii, I have to go to jara7
'3azl: ya allaaaa,intay lesh chithi. Ma ti3tarfain b shay isma moderation!? Awal shay klsh makintay taben tshwfena w al7een kilyom mjablitaa. Tara 3adi itha you miss one day. Yalla 3ad!
7ala: '3azl 7abibti, I don’t want to miss one day. Ru7ay intay stansay w shop. Shufay ilsoug shlona w gulelee, arw7 ma3ach bacher il9ib7 okkk?!
'3azl: kaifiiiich. Yallaa bye, w have fuuun hehe salmaay 3ala ya3goub!
7ala: inshalaa yo9al, yalla enjoy!
As soon as I put my phone down, I realized that tonight was going to be the first time for me and ya3goub to be alone. Ambaiiii ana shfeeni, shinw alone. Jara7 will be there. I meant ye3ni awal marra only me jara7 and ya3goub, without '3azl.
Okkk, why am I obsessing about this. 5alaaa9 Shfeeha ye3nii, its ya3goub!
My phone rang again. It was ya3goub. Why did I suddenly get the feeling inna he heard what I was thinkning!
Ya3goub: ha 7ala mita yayeen?
7ala: I'm leaving the house now. its just me today, '3azl mu yaya.
. . .
7ala: alooo ?! (I looked at my phone screen, he was still connected)
Ya3goub: ma3aach ma3ach, 5ala9 see u soon 3ayal.
7ala: ee inshalaa, yalla bye!
Was that a bit weird willa ana mit5ayla? La imbela imbela, he went quiet laman giltlaa ina it was only me coming tonight. Ma3nata he got a strange feeling in his gut too. This is really bugging me! Why does it have to be weird between me and him. Its ya3goub! He's like a brother to me! I have always thought of him in that way. Always. Well, it did get a bit weird laman I found out that he was the one planning all the gifts and dinners instead of jara7! But so what?! I'm over it, sama7taa ana sama7taa, uhwa w jara7. Its not like he has feeling for me. It's just because he knows me better. Just like a brother knows his sister! Right!? Bes 5ala9 snap out of it.
I went to get dressed. It was Thursday so we weren’t going to study tonight. Straight to the hospital to jara7. I opened my closet. Mmmm shalbs. Thiiiis, laa chinna hathaak a7laaa. Bes hatha il lon ymatn, 5alaa9 hathaak a7saan. I put on my beige skinny trousers, w royal blue lose shirt with golden buttons and ruffles on the front. Fita7t ildirj w 6alla3t a million golden bracelets and put them on one hand, and my dads oversized rolex on the other. I had an addiction to bracelets. Next, navy shailaa. Mmm, ok now I need to get all my stuff out of my black balanciaga bag w ada5lhm in the Damier LV, a7laa. Next, mascara, w lipbalm. La lesh lipbalm, a7a6 lipstick 5afeefa. W may5alef, thin eyeliner. And, shwey blush. Lesh laa2. Finally shoes, my gold gladiators.
My phone vibrated, it was ya3goub: wainch?!
I was about to answer just after I looked in the mirror and smiled. I glimpsed at the clock next to the mirror.
Oolllaaaa!! I never take this long to get dressed! Wayed 6awalt shda3wa! Y does it matter shinw albs, ana ray7a ilmostashfaa with ya3goub.
My phone buzzed again and again.
It was ya3goub: PING!!! PING!!!
Then it hit me. ahaaa. Laykwn kl hal loya because I want to look nice for ya3goub?! I was unconsciously trying to look better than my casual self. Li2ana '3azl mara7 tkwn mawjwda, so focus 3alay. Whyyy am I thinking this way! La actually, am not thinking! Sha'3lay mu5ch 7ala! al7en ya3goub yla7th w ygwl hathi shfeeha kash5aa! Whats wrong with me!?
A9laaaaan, ana kash5aa becuz 3ugb ilmostashfaa barw7 at3asha ma3a '3azl. Ee eee that’s why. (I was trying to justify myself). I called '3azl.
7ala: '3azl lets got out for dinner when you're done shopping.
'3azl: ee okk, 5ala9 adg 3alaich when am done.
7ala: see you!
Seeeee, ba6la3 ma3a 7ala for dinner. W it’s a Thursday, ye3ni weekend! Obviously baksha5 shweeey ya naaas!!
Half an hour later, wi9alt ilmostashfaa. I parked the car, and while I was walking towards the elevators to get to jara7's ward, ya3goub bbmed me: 7ala wainch? Wayed 6awaltay, u told me you were leaving the house an hour ago!
I replied: 2 mins
Da5alt il'3urfa w I found ya3goub shaving off jara7's beard. So sweet of him.
7ala: u need help?
He looked up at me: la mashkwraa, I'm fine.
Then he went back to what he was doing. I headed to sit on the chair across the room, and I could see ya3goub look up again and watch me walk to the chair. Awkward. I sat and looked at him. He put down his head again, and continued wiping the foam off of jara7's face.
Ya3goub: u look nice (he didn’t look at me while he said that)
7ala: (I smiled) whaat? This old thiiing? Hehhe, thanks anyways.
He let out a quiet and short laugh.
7ala: ee li2ana ana barw7 at3asha ma3a '3azl afterwards
Ya3goub: ahaaaaa that’s why
(eee eee that’s why, I thought to myself!)
Ya3goub: wain btrw7wn, tara iyom 5amees w za7ma!
7ala: haha adrii, 5amees. Don’t brother me ya3goub ( I said it in a joking tone)
Ya3goub: I'm not "brothering" you 7ala. (he put emphasis on the word brother)
7ala: hehe (I let out an awkward laugh. Sh8a9da? He's never replies in that way. Usually ygwli "if I don’t, then who will". God! Tara ana fini shay! Ana ga3da akabr ilmawthw3! Nothing is going on! W if ya3goub knew what I was thinking he would be really disappointed in me! I shook my head.
Ya3goub sat on the chair next to me and sighed : eeeeeeh chithi 6ala3 wayhek jaraa7.
I smiled : sheeefk ya3goub, uhwa kan msawi dirty ye3ni style, shfahimk intaa (I teased)
Ya3goub: dirty haaa, hahaha.
We talked for like 2 hours. Suwaleef thi7k, 3adiii. It was almost the same as when '3azl is with us. Li2ana ihya asasan mu wayed titkalam when we’re in the hospital. I guess she feels left out or out of place. I mean, ya3goub is my best friend through my dads best friend. And jara7 is my ex. 7abibti she just comes for support, and doesn’t complain. Zain tsawii inna 6la3at ilyom w '3ayirat jaw. I don’t want her to feel like she HAS to come everynight. Ana '3air, I HAVE to come everynight li2anna I WANT to come every night.
Did I just say jara7 is my ex?? My EX?! What does that mean. Unconsciousness always means something. Its like your inner self trying to get a message across to you. What is my inner self trying to tell me? lesh EX? Are we not together? what are we? Okkk, he's in a coma, w ana I visit. I visit li2anna I have to visit. Li2ana am his girlfriend 9aa7? Inzain w if he never wakes up? when do I know when to decide that we cant be together because of his condition? When do I decide to break us up? I suddenly felt I wave of fear going through my body. Laimuta am I going to wait for him to wake up. I sighed.
Ya3goub: 7ala I need to talk to you.
7ala: sure go ahead (I tried to sound excited, even though I could sense that his voice was tense)
Ya3goub: 7ala, om jara7 kalimatni ilyom. We she thanked us for coming everyday. She really appreciates everything we are doing.
7ala: oo, ee ofcorse. We would do anything for him to wake up.
Ya3goub: that’s exactly what she wanted to talk to me about.
7ala: what do you mean (this was getting serious)
Ya3goub: 7ala theres nothing left for us to DO for him to wake up.
Ya3goub: ildr kalamha ilyom. W galaha inna gabl, his condition was stable. Not getting worse wala better. Which was good, ye3ni as long as it wasn’t getting worse kan fi amal. Bes..
7ala: bes shinw… (I knew exactly what he going to say, I just needed to interrupt him so that I can prepare myself for when he does say it)
Ya3goub: bes now its not stable anymore. He condition is actually getting worse. His brain activity is getting lower. Not drastically, bes still it's getting lower. That’s not to say inna he will die now. Laaa. Bes inna he is either never going to wake up, aw inna he is going to be in this coma for a really long time before it happens.
7ala: before it happens? U mean die.
Ya3goub: ee 7ala.
7ala: I don’t know what to say
Ya3goub: 7ala listen. Now, i7na kl illi nigdr nsawii is inna nad3eelaah. Ye3ni walla mn kl galbi I wish inna he wakes up, bes chances are inna he won't. I don’t want you to stop visiting him. That’s not what I mean. I won't stop visiting him either.
7ala: 3ayal what do u mean..
Ya3goub: 7ala, dear. We need to move on with our lives. We cant plan our days according to these visits. From now on, we live like we used to. We just visit when we feel like it. Ye3ni laman nishtaglaa we'll come. Up until now, kina inyi kilyom, with an aim ina nith7ak around him so that he feels our presence w tit7asan 7alta. But starting tonight, we visit just to check up w chithi. We visit so that ma ninsaah. Fahmatnii 7ala. We move on.
I was quiet for a while. I had to process this. Ee ena fahma what he's saying, bes not completely. Ye3ni shinw "so that ma ninsaah" . obviously mara7 ansaah! Fi wa7da tinsa her boyfriend! Ye3nii, ye3niii shinw? Where does this leave our relationship? What do I do?
It was as though ya3goub read my mind as soon as I thought of that. He took my hand gently and looked me in the eye.
Ya3goub: 7ala, you need to move on.
7ala: ee ee fahamt, 5ala9 I wont visit everyday. Whenever you come ayii ma3ak, mu mshkila (I was acting like I didn’t get what he really meant)
Ya3goub: yes that, but also… you also end what's between you two. Listen. Don’t talk. Let me. A relationship is composed of two people. Two people who share their memories and lives. In this condition he can't share his life with you. Because he himself has no life. It’s the machines 7ala. He has the machines that keep him alive. And also, in his condition, he cant share any new memories with you either. You just have to hold on to the memories he already gave you.
I started to tear. This was sad. So sad. I cant think of I word that means sad, other than SAD! It was as though he was telling me to say goodbye. Tears were pouring in liters now. I was choking. Ya3goub sqeezed my hands tight. His hands felt so warm in mine. Unlike jara7's, his hands were so cold meskeen. That thought really made me ache. Jara7 really had no life in him. I squeezed ya3goubs hands even tighter.
7ala: haaaa (my voice was hoarse)
Ya3goub: 7ala look at me
I put up my head. He looked deep into my eyes. Even though everything seemed so blurry because of the tears, I could still see so clearly that ya3goub is the only one that can look right through me. His next words made my body flush with relief.
Ya3goub: I will be with you through this. Every step of the way 7ala. I will be with you.
What would I do without him. How would I live if he didn’t exist. Shasawiiiiii mn '3air ya3goub.
O and jara7 ba3ad. Shasawii mn '3air jara7.
My thoughts are all over the place. I'm not thinking straight.