Chapter 17: Facing reality

I woke up feeling drowsy. As soon as I got up from bed, my head started to spin. I was too dizzy to get up. I checked the time in my phone, 3 in the morning. O my God how long have I been sleeping. '3azl must have given me sleeping pills. I couldn’t call anyone right now. They're all sleeping, probably.
For a moment I forgot why I felt so terrible. O right, I had just fought with Jara7. No wait, not that. There was another incident. 9ar shay after the fight, something much worse. It's all coming back to me now. Jara7 was in a coma! I was experiencing all the feelings you get when you cry, the choking, the heavy breathing, all of it, except, for the tears. I wasn’t actually tearing. There were no more tears left. I cried out all my tears over jara7 the past few days. How can life suddenly change. Everything was perfect then with a blink of an eye, it's all tumbling down.
I just stared at the ceiling for a while. I thought about how different my life was a few days ago. All the memories with jara7. I was happy. Truly happy. Well, at least before the fight. But that doesn’t matter now.
My phone rang, it was '3azl. I checked the time, 7:13. I've been pointlessly staring at the ceiling for 4 hours!
7ala: halaa '3azl
'3azl: haa 7alaa, shlonch noow?! Inshalaa better?!
7ala: '3azl, u don’t have to ask me how I am. Li2anna u will only make me feel guilty so I will lie and say I'm better. I'm not better. I won't be better. Bes end of discussion.
'3azl: mn 9ijch intay. Stop talking like it’s the end of the world. He will wake up. He will inshalaa. If, IF he doesn’t, then u will learn to live without him. You will move on. Your life was perfect even before he showed up anyways.
7ala: yes but he made it better.
'3azl: nothing is better than perfect. He just opened up your mind to love. You were resisting this idea before. Now you experienced it. So, inshalaa u will experience moore love with him if he waakes, or with '3aira if he doesn’t.
7ala: can we just stop talking about this. When is our class ilyom?
'3azl: stop resisting! How long are you planning to live in denial?! Just give me an idea of how long should I not mention his name!?
7ala: ever
'3azl: makw shay ismaa ever. Yalla atfaham ma3ach when I see you, get up. We have class at 10. We'll go out for lunch 3ugub, and taaaaalk. You have to talk 7ala, you can't keep it all in. it's not healthy.
7ala: I don’t feel like talking or eating. Bad idea. Bard il bait after class w anaam.
'3azl: he's the one in the coma, not u 7ala! stop laying in bed like a vegetable!
7ala: don’t say that. that’s not funny '3azl. Not funny at all
'3azl: I'm not trying to be funny. Yalla just get up! bye!
I threw the phone on the floor, checked that my bedroom door was closed, dug my head into the pillow and let out a scream. I thought that would make me feel better. It didn’t. I didn’t scream as loud as I wanted to, cuz I worried it would be too loud cuz there was soooooo much inside that I had to let out.
I got up, looked at myself in the mirror. I was a mess. So I decided to shower, then got dressed. Black velour training, beige shaila. I grabbed my wallet, car keys, and phone. No bag. Put on extra big round sunglasses, the ones I used for the beach cuz I had no makeup on.
I arrived to college, sat next to '3azl in class.
'3azl: hey
7ala: hi
'3azl: shlonch?!
7ala: '3azl don’t. plz.
We didn’t talk after that, not a single word. We were done with class at 12.
'3azl: yalla lunch. Where do u want to go?
7ala: I already told u. mabi arw7 ay mukan.
'3azl: 7ala, ur going, end of story. Zain minni I'm letting u choose where. Yallaa choose
I was about to answer in a really angry tone but my phone rang. Ashwaa, I don’t want to let it all out on '3azl. Shes been so supportive.
7ala: hala ya3goub.. ana outside lecture room10.. ok we'll wait. Fine.. byee
A few minutes later ya3goub was walking our way.
Ya3goub: hii shlonkm? 7ala how r u feeling?
'3azl: don’t ask her how she's feeling! She's like a dog put on a leash, just waiting to bite, seriously. (she looked at me and smiled, hoping that I would smile back. I didn’t)
Ya3goub: ok fahamt. Inzain, yallaa lets go to jara7, then nrd ilbait nraye7 w nirja3 ilma'3arb nadrs.
'3azl: sounds good to mee.
Ya3goub: 7alaa?
7ala: u two go, ana bard ilbait now.
'3azl: 7alaa, when r u going to see him yalla 3ad, you have to, laazm inniich t7aa…
Ya3goub: '3azl 5aleehaa. She's not ready.
'3azl: (she sighed) ok, yallaa see you ilma'3arb then
'3azl: 7ala 7ayati plz stop doing this to yourself. Madri ye3ni just figure it out, do whatever u need to do so that you can get over this phase (she told me while she walked me to my car)
7ala: inshalaa
Rikabt sayartii and I thought shes right. Abi asawi shay to make me feel better or else I will go crazy. I will just go for a drive, think, clear my mind. I drove 3al 5aleej for almost half an hour. Rashed's voice sang: ashki 3alaik il7al ya 3arf il7al.. w law ma beedk shay yakfelk il7al.. yakfii trw7 bklmtkl theqat il7al.. w yakfii t7s btheeqty dwn ma a7kii
I suddenly stopped my car at the side of the road, on the safety lane, 6awalt 3ala ilmusic. Even louder. Loudest that I can get it to plaay, and I just let out a scream. An endless scream. I let out all the air in my lungs. I bet it was really loud, but I didn’t hear it becuz of the music. I switched off the ipod and rubbed my neck, my throat hurt. That didn’t help at all, I just cried my way back home.
I arrived back home. I changed, prayed, had lunch. Watched tv for a while. Waited for '3azl or ya3goub to call so I go back to study in the library. I prepared the books that I would study from. Changed to get ready. Skinny jeans, white RL lose shirt, brown gladiators with gold studs, brown shailaa, red LV speedy. Then I just sat, and stared at my phone, waiting for it to ring so I would leave the house. I felt like a zombie. Like I was just acting while not thinking. No emotions. No feelings. Just doing whatever I had to do so the day would just pass. I didn’t feel my body move, I was doing all these things almost unintentionally. Unconsciously.
A couple of days passed by the same way.
I wasn’t me. There was no soul in my body. No life. You know the saying " take each day one at a time"? I used to find it really stupid, ye3ni how else would u take each day?! But now I get. Now, I wake up in the morning, and the first thing that comes to mind is "uuggghh another day" everyday, every single day, it's like this. So, now, I just take each day one at a time like they say. Everyday is a struggle for me not to collapse into misery.
Ya3goub: yallaa chinna darasnaa enough ilyom
'3azl: ee bes enough ta3abt, its 9! Yaallaa lets go
7ala: ee plz
ya3goub: ee yalla lets go. 7ala, you're coming to the hospital ilyom.
7ala: hhuuh?! No I'm not thank you very much
Ya3goub: yes you are. Stop talking back.
7ala: since when do u run my life and tell me what to do. I'm not going. YOU stop talking back!
'3azl: haaaay intaw! You're in the library siktaaw! Talk barraa!
We left the library and instantly I started yelling at ya3goub: shinw ye3ni "ur going today" was that an order?! I don’t take orders from anyone. I do what I want! And I don’t want to go! I don’t!
Ya3goub: that’s the problem 7ala! u doo! U doo WANT to! I know it…
7ala: (my eyes started to fill with tears) I can't… yes I want to but I can't…
Ya3goub: 7ala, if you're going to wait to be "ready" then u will never see him, li2anna u will never be ready! Ana I visit him daily! Martain bl yom, u think I'm ever ready?! No I'm not!? Everytime I step into his room it's difficult for me! you have to be stronger 7ala! stop doing this to urself
7ala: easier said than done… I cant
Ya3goub: you know what, intay mayinfa3 ma3aach hal eslwb! We're trying to be considerate bes that’s not working, so here it goes. Listen to this. STOP BEING SELFISH! You're pulling everyone down with you into your depression. We are all sad for jara7, but you are grieving! Hes not dead 7ala! u don’t have to mourn him! W 3ala fikraa itha intay chithi t7ebena w mu mit8ablaa the idea inna he's in a coma, then why aren’t u helping him wake up!? all the people that love him are around him, except for u! w intay ilmafrwth tkwnen awalhum! You have to be next to him through this! and that is why u ARE going today… fahmaa?!
I was crying now. What he said was all true. All of it, every single word. He was yelling at me, but I knew it was only because he cared obviously. I'm glad he did that. Im going. Today, I'm going to see jara7.
7ala: inshalaa…
A while later we were outside his room. Ya3goub opened the door, I waited for him to go in so I would follow him in, but he didn’t.
Ya3goub: this is something you need to do alone 7ala
He was right. I should go in alone the first time. I stepped in. Intentionally taking tiny steps ridiculously slowly. I could hear the machines beeping. That meant his heart beat. He had a heart beat. Ye3ni he's alive. I knew that mn gabl, bes for some reason it just hit me that moment. Hes alive. I smiled and continued walking towards his bed. Instantly my smile disappeared. He had no color in his face. So pale. His arms looked so thin. Too thin. He had dark circles under his eye. His face looked like he was having a bad dream in his sleep. I just felt like shaking him and slapping his face so he would wake. This was a bad idea! Why did I come. I quickly turned around to leave but bumped into '3azl. I instantly hugged her and started crying. She rubbed my back and hushed mee. A while later I calmed down, and heard ya3goub singing in the background.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear 7alaaa
Happy birthday to you
OMG how long was I away from this world? For long was I numb? I had forgotten my own birthday. He walked in holding a cake with lit candles. They were both singing now. I stopped crying, I started to feel warm. I've been cold for soo many days now. I could breathe a little better this moment. I wrapped my arms around '3azl then turned to ya3goub and gave him a soft punch on his chest.
Ya3goub: what better way to celebrate your birthday than with your three favorite people in the world
'3azl: excuse me, ONE favorite person. Inta wiyaa just extra friends!
I looked at jara7 and smiled. Ya3goub was right. There is no better way to spend my birthday. With my love jara7, my sister '3azl and my brother, ya3goub. I looked at ya3goub and my smile grew bigger. I watched him cut the cake and put the slices on plates. What would I do without him. How would I live without him and his generosity, sense of care for everyone, his selflessness. Amazing man.
I'm so glad he made me come.