Chapter 16: Love Hurts

I wished for it. I wished I would never see him again. And I got my wish. I will never see him again. I can't believe this.. I must still be sleeping. You know those dreams that feel so real that you actually believe you're awake when you're not.
It's fine.. everything's fine. I'm going to wake up any moment now.
Come on! Wake up!!!
My phone rang suddenly! It was Ya3goub. I instantly thought "thank God! The ringing tone ought to wake me up!"
7ala: hala ya3goub ( I looked around, I was still in the living room, dressed for jam3a. ya3goub's phone call didn’t wake me up, because I wasn’t asleep. This was real)
Ya3goub: 7ala, diratay?
7ala: …..ammm...3an il7adth? (please say no, please say no. a9lan it might not even be jara7's car!)
Ya3goub: ee 7ala
I choked. I couldn’t talk. This can't be happening. No way. No way. Shlon? My first love? Just gone? Forever, just gone! We didn’t even get the chance to make up after our first fight. The FIGHT! Its all because of the fight! It's all because of me! he must have been driving really fast because he was mad. Because of me…. I started crying. Crying hysterically. The ugly kind. I couldn’t stop. How is a person supposed to get over an incident like this?! How am I going to survive this. It hurts so much. It literally hurts. I sat on the floor because my knees were trembling, I couldn’t hold myself up anymore
Ya3goub: 7ala! please stop crying! Stop it…
7ala: … how.. can .. I stop…? Ya3goub..!!
Jara7: tabeen ayeelch?! Are you ok?! Please don’t do anything stupid
7ala: no it's ok I'm fine…. No, no I'm not fine..i will never be.. how do I go on.. ya3gouuub.... (I continued crying. I couldn't even hear what ya3goub said after that. I only picked out a few words here and there: fine, crash, Lexus, hospital, ICU, coma, alive…)
Jara7: I'm coming to get you now. We'll go to him together.
7ala: haaa…. What?
Jara7: 7ala, please focus shwey! And stop crying! Agwlch I'm coming to you now, and we’ll go to him to the hospital together, he needs all his beloved ones around him now. If he's ever going to come out of this coma, then he's going to need us all with him for that to happen. Sam3aa. Be strong!
7ala: he's alive?! Ya3goub, he's not dead? He's alive?!
Ya3goub: laaa he's not dead! Wait, that’s why you were crying.. la 7ala he's not dead.. he's in a coma! They just cant get him to wake up. He's in the intensive care unit for now. But he IS alive.
7ala: but.. but.. the newpaper.. it said someone was killed in the accident! Sayarta ra7at feeha! How did he survive it!! ya3goub, please.. you can't tell me he's alive, then I hear again that he's dead. That would kill me, I can't go through that again! Ya3goub…
Ya3goub: 7ala, ee sayarata ra7at feeha, bes il7emdilla he surivived it. Bes the guy he hit didn’t. He crashed into a guy in a lexus, who didn’t make it. They say he died instantly in the scene of the accident. Alla yir7uma..
7ala: …. Alla yir7uma…
Ya3goub: 7ala..
7ala: hhmm?
Ya3goub: 7ala, tabeen ayeelch?
7ala: no its ok.. i'll meet you there.. where is he?
Ya3goub: mustashfa mbarak
7ala: ok.. i'm going now. I'll see you there
Ya3goub: 7ala, calm down please. And drive safely
7ala: inshalla..
I couldn’t get up. I was still sitting on the cold marble floor. I started dialing '3azl's number.
7ala: '3azl….
'3azl: 7ala shfeech (I was crying, I couldn’t hold myself)
7ala: '3azl, Jara7 got in a car accident, he's in a coma. A coma '3azl. Ye3ni as good as dead. '3azl, I actually thought he was dead at first, because I didn’t read the newspaper article fa makint fahma what happened exactly. Bes it turns out mu ohwa illi twafa, the other guy did. Alla yir7uma. You would think that this would make me feel better, u know, the fact ina hes alive. Bes is doesn't.
'3azl: o my God. Alla yir7ma. 7ala! shinw it doesn’t make you feel better! He's alive! Ye3ni inshalla he will wake up soon! He will 7ala…
7ala: inshala…madri, I feel terrible. I feel like this is not real. Its not happening. Ye3ni I see these stuff in movies all the time, bes I never ever thought that would be happening to someone so dear to me. '3azl….( I started crying again. It's not something I can control anymore)
'3azl: 7ala.. get yourself together. be strong! Stop doing that, and saying these! I'm coming to pick you up now. where is he?
7ala: mbarak
'3azl: hmmmm.. ok.. yalla 6il3ili in a few minutes.
I closed the phone and just stayed still. My body felt stiff, I couldn’t even move an inch. What felt like hours later, my phone rang . It was a message from '3azl: I'm out.
Rikabt sayarat'ha and messaged ya3goub:We are on our way..
Laman '3azl parked the car, and we left the car and started walking towards the main enterance, my heart just started pounding. I could feel it in my chest. I felt that my face was all drained from blood. My face felt numb, my hands felt cold.
Ya3goub: 7ala! '3azl! Here…
We followed ya3goub to jara7's ward. We were getting closer and closer to his room. I could hear a lady crying.
Ya3goub: omma..
omG.. I was so selfish of thinkning how this affects me that it didn’t even cross my mind what this could be doing to his close family. My heart was racing now. We were outside his room.
I heard ya3goub talking to his parents. He was trying to make them feel better. Then after a while he introduced us to jara7's parents. I went to say hi. Then I did something. Involuntarily. It just happened. Like the tears. I hugged his mom. I hugged her so hard, and she was hugging me back. I felt like I knew her for years, like she was my mom too and we were both grieveing for a lost beloved one. After a while I felt '3azl's hand on my back, so I let go of his mom. I don’t know if that was appropriate or not, but it made me feel better. At least for a while.
I saw ya3goub opening the door to jara7s room, and he signaled to me to follow him. I was going to I couldn’t. My feet wouldn’t move. Or maybe I didn’t want my feet to move. How in the world am I going to go in to see him like that. I just cant. I hate to admit it bit I'm too weak. I cant see im like that. I cant. I kept imaging him just laying there. Still as a statue. Not moving, barely breathing. How can such as energetic person just lose life this way. The idea of not having him sqeeze my hand back, pained me. The idea of not having him reply to me when I called his name hurt. I was now finding it hard to swallow, like something was stuck in my throat. My breaths got deeper and faster. I felt something heavy pushing on my chest. It literally hurt.
I started to think of the irony. He was in Mbarak hospital, the place where I would be training for my education as a Doctor for the next few years. What if I graduated. What if I moved on with my life and he was still there. Still here in this same position on this same bed. What if he never woke up?
Ya3goub: 7ala..?
'3azl: 7ala, yalla. Aren’t you going to go in?
7ala: I cant.. walla I cant. I'm not ready yet. (I don’t know if I will ever be ready?!)
Ya3goub: 3ala ra7tch.. ardch ilbait?
'3azl: its ok ill take her home. Your friend needs you right now. you go in. she'll be fine with me.
'3azl was now dragging me and leading me to the car. I lost my orientation. Even though I have been in this hospital so many times for training, I just didn’t recognize the place anymore. It felt strange to me. Its weird that this familiar place is now new territory to me, now that I'm not roaming around it as a training Dr. but as a visitor. I visitor that won't even VISIT her beloved boyfriend . What was wrong with me. I need to be strong. If not for myself then for him. For jara7. I need to be supportive to help his family through this. Until he wakes up. He has to wake up.
Before I knew it, I was laying in my bed, '3azl was taking off my shoes for me, and covering me with my blanket, she kissed me on my forhead and said something. I'm guessing call me when you wake up, or something like that. I couldn’t hear her. I was losing my consciousness. Maybe I will dream of jara7 before he went in a coma. And if I do dream of him, I wish I would never wake up.