Chapter 16: Love Hurts

I wished for it. I wished I would never see him again. And I got my wish. I will never see him again. I can't believe this.. I must still be sleeping. You know those dreams that feel so real that you actually believe you're awake when you're not.
It's fine.. everything's fine. I'm going to wake up any moment now.
Come on! Wake up!!!
My phone rang suddenly! It was Ya3goub. I instantly thought "thank God! The ringing tone ought to wake me up!"
7ala: hala ya3goub ( I looked around, I was still in the living room, dressed for jam3a. ya3goub's phone call didn’t wake me up, because I wasn’t asleep. This was real)
Ya3goub: 7ala, diratay?
7ala: …..ammm...3an il7adth? (please say no, please say no. a9lan it might not even be jara7's car!)
Ya3goub: ee 7ala
I choked. I couldn’t talk. This can't be happening. No way. No way. Shlon? My first love? Just gone? Forever, just gone! We didn’t even get the chance to make up after our first fight. The FIGHT! Its all because of the fight! It's all because of me! he must have been driving really fast because he was mad. Because of me…. I started crying. Crying hysterically. The ugly kind. I couldn’t stop. How is a person supposed to get over an incident like this?! How am I going to survive this. It hurts so much. It literally hurts. I sat on the floor because my knees were trembling, I couldn’t hold myself up anymore
Ya3goub: 7ala! please stop crying! Stop it…
7ala: … how.. can .. I stop…? Ya3goub..!!
Jara7: tabeen ayeelch?! Are you ok?! Please don’t do anything stupid
7ala: no it's ok I'm fine…. No, no I'm not fine..i will never be.. how do I go on.. ya3gouuub.... (I continued crying. I couldn't even hear what ya3goub said after that. I only picked out a few words here and there: fine, crash, Lexus, hospital, ICU, coma, alive…)
Jara7: I'm coming to get you now. We'll go to him together.
7ala: haaa…. What?
Jara7: 7ala, please focus shwey! And stop crying! Agwlch I'm coming to you now, and we’ll go to him to the hospital together, he needs all his beloved ones around him now. If he's ever going to come out of this coma, then he's going to need us all with him for that to happen. Sam3aa. Be strong!
7ala: he's alive?! Ya3goub, he's not dead? He's alive?!
Ya3goub: laaa he's not dead! Wait, that’s why you were crying.. la 7ala he's not dead.. he's in a coma! They just cant get him to wake up. He's in the intensive care unit for now. But he IS alive.
7ala: but.. but.. the newpaper.. it said someone was killed in the accident! Sayarta ra7at feeha! How did he survive it!! ya3goub, please.. you can't tell me he's alive, then I hear again that he's dead. That would kill me, I can't go through that again! Ya3goub…
Ya3goub: 7ala, ee sayarata ra7at feeha, bes il7emdilla he surivived it. Bes the guy he hit didn’t. He crashed into a guy in a lexus, who didn’t make it. They say he died instantly in the scene of the accident. Alla yir7uma..
7ala: …. Alla yir7uma…
Ya3goub: 7ala..
7ala: hhmm?
Ya3goub: 7ala, tabeen ayeelch?
7ala: no its ok.. i'll meet you there.. where is he?
Ya3goub: mustashfa mbarak
7ala: ok.. i'm going now. I'll see you there
Ya3goub: 7ala, calm down please. And drive safely
7ala: inshalla..
I couldn’t get up. I was still sitting on the cold marble floor. I started dialing '3azl's number.
7ala: '3azl….
'3azl: 7ala shfeech (I was crying, I couldn’t hold myself)
7ala: '3azl, Jara7 got in a car accident, he's in a coma. A coma '3azl. Ye3ni as good as dead. '3azl, I actually thought he was dead at first, because I didn’t read the newspaper article fa makint fahma what happened exactly. Bes it turns out mu ohwa illi twafa, the other guy did. Alla yir7uma. You would think that this would make me feel better, u know, the fact ina hes alive. Bes is doesn't.
'3azl: o my God. Alla yir7ma. 7ala! shinw it doesn’t make you feel better! He's alive! Ye3ni inshalla he will wake up soon! He will 7ala…
7ala: inshala…madri, I feel terrible. I feel like this is not real. Its not happening. Ye3ni I see these stuff in movies all the time, bes I never ever thought that would be happening to someone so dear to me. '3azl….( I started crying again. It's not something I can control anymore)
'3azl: 7ala.. get yourself together. be strong! Stop doing that, and saying these! I'm coming to pick you up now. where is he?
7ala: mbarak
'3azl: hmmmm.. ok.. yalla 6il3ili in a few minutes.
I closed the phone and just stayed still. My body felt stiff, I couldn’t even move an inch. What felt like hours later, my phone rang . It was a message from '3azl: I'm out.
Rikabt sayarat'ha and messaged ya3goub:We are on our way..
Laman '3azl parked the car, and we left the car and started walking towards the main enterance, my heart just started pounding. I could feel it in my chest. I felt that my face was all drained from blood. My face felt numb, my hands felt cold.
Ya3goub: 7ala! '3azl! Here…
We followed ya3goub to jara7's ward. We were getting closer and closer to his room. I could hear a lady crying.
Ya3goub: omma..
omG.. I was so selfish of thinkning how this affects me that it didn’t even cross my mind what this could be doing to his close family. My heart was racing now. We were outside his room.
I heard ya3goub talking to his parents. He was trying to make them feel better. Then after a while he introduced us to jara7's parents. I went to say hi. Then I did something. Involuntarily. It just happened. Like the tears. I hugged his mom. I hugged her so hard, and she was hugging me back. I felt like I knew her for years, like she was my mom too and we were both grieveing for a lost beloved one. After a while I felt '3azl's hand on my back, so I let go of his mom. I don’t know if that was appropriate or not, but it made me feel better. At least for a while.
I saw ya3goub opening the door to jara7s room, and he signaled to me to follow him. I was going to I couldn’t. My feet wouldn’t move. Or maybe I didn’t want my feet to move. How in the world am I going to go in to see him like that. I just cant. I hate to admit it bit I'm too weak. I cant see im like that. I cant. I kept imaging him just laying there. Still as a statue. Not moving, barely breathing. How can such as energetic person just lose life this way. The idea of not having him sqeeze my hand back, pained me. The idea of not having him reply to me when I called his name hurt. I was now finding it hard to swallow, like something was stuck in my throat. My breaths got deeper and faster. I felt something heavy pushing on my chest. It literally hurt.
I started to think of the irony. He was in Mbarak hospital, the place where I would be training for my education as a Doctor for the next few years. What if I graduated. What if I moved on with my life and he was still there. Still here in this same position on this same bed. What if he never woke up?
Ya3goub: 7ala..?
'3azl: 7ala, yalla. Aren’t you going to go in?
7ala: I cant.. walla I cant. I'm not ready yet. (I don’t know if I will ever be ready?!)
Ya3goub: 3ala ra7tch.. ardch ilbait?
'3azl: its ok ill take her home. Your friend needs you right now. you go in. she'll be fine with me.
'3azl was now dragging me and leading me to the car. I lost my orientation. Even though I have been in this hospital so many times for training, I just didn’t recognize the place anymore. It felt strange to me. Its weird that this familiar place is now new territory to me, now that I'm not roaming around it as a training Dr. but as a visitor. I visitor that won't even VISIT her beloved boyfriend . What was wrong with me. I need to be strong. If not for myself then for him. For jara7. I need to be supportive to help his family through this. Until he wakes up. He has to wake up.
Before I knew it, I was laying in my bed, '3azl was taking off my shoes for me, and covering me with my blanket, she kissed me on my forhead and said something. I'm guessing call me when you wake up, or something like that. I couldn’t hear her. I was losing my consciousness. Maybe I will dream of jara7 before he went in a coma. And if I do dream of him, I wish I would never wake up.

Chapter 15: Headlines

I got dressed to go to the koleya. I was soooo not in the mood. I just wanted the day to end. I wanted the fight to end. But I wasn’t going to call jara7 just yet. What was I going t tell him? I needed time to think.
I was early to the lecture and '3azl wasn’t here yet. So, I decided to chat with ya3goub for a while. I saw him talking on the phone when I came in earlier, so I went back to him. Maybe he's done by now. As I approached him, I noticed that he was still talking on the phone. He was talking loudly. Not shouting, but not talking either. He sounded upset. I guess everybody is having one of those days today! I heard him say jara7's name! Was he talking to him or about him? I went closer to listen but made sure he didn’t see me.
Ya3goub: jara7! Inta tadri inni ma artha 3alaiha?! Sh7aga tgwlaha hal kalam.
…………....(jara7 was saying something over the phone) int tadree ay kalam! Inha mta3bitik! Mat3abitik ha?! Latinsa inna ana illi sa3adtk b kilshay! Inta a9lan masawait shay!................ la masawait shay!
(Shiwn ye3ni masawa shey?! I was so confused now)
ya3goub: ana kint asa3dk 3alshanha ihya! Abeeha ehya tkwn mistansa! Walla lo adri ink ra7 itsawe feha chithi chan masa3adtk! Lesh tijra7ha chithi……………..…… ok ana fahamt hal ni86a, ink kint ma3a rab3k, bes lesh tgwlha ink ta3abt minha?! W inta mu ga3ed tsawee shay asasan………………..ana 8a9di inna ma kan la da3i itgwlaha chithi! W bima inni ana a3aref il9ij, inik int mata3abt walla shay, fa b9ara7a achoof inna illi gitlaha iya kan mala da3i kilsh, thayagt'ha ya a5i! walla ilbnaya 9adegat inha mta3betk ma3aha, w inha "needy" 3ala golat'ha……………..…..ee akeed lazm tit2asaf!...................walla 3ad madri shlon! La awal marra b 3ala8tk ma3aha, 7awel ink tfakr b shay! Ye3ni 9arlk ma3aha 6 ash'hur , w laman al7een mint 3arf shlon tratheeha?!............................jara7 madri! Fakr!................... ma3ak 7ag. W 3alshan chithi ra7 asa3dk hal marra ba3ad, 3alashanha ihya. Bes 3alshanha! A5er marra jara7!...................... la tashkirni!
(I hope I'm understanding this the wrong way! I hope that I got it all wrong, because if it is what I'm thinking, then I don’t think I can forgive jara7)
Ya3goub: tigdar tsawelaha shay 7ag 3eed meeldha, latgwli ba3ad ink nasee?!........................la? zain il7emdila ink mit'thkr!............................ee hal yim3a! 9a7…………………….. madri afakr b shay w agwlk…………….…………… la magdr a36eek ilhadeya illi ana shareeha laha………………………….. li2ani already 3a6aitk iyaha!!....................... eee ilkitab illi 3a6aitk iya gabl, kan ilmafrwth ikwn hadeyat 3eed meladha minni!............................shinw ay kitab! Mu min 9ijk! Il "cholera" ! walla ink matistahalha!!.....................................ana nafsk madri shayeeblaha! Ye3ni al7een lazm afkr b shay mink w minni! ……………………… 5ala9 inshalla! yalla jara7 bye! ……… bye!!
O my God….. it never was jara7. It was all ya3goub planning everything all along. All the dates, all the gifts. Was he even telling him what to say?! I can't believe this.. not only am I hurt that none of it was from jara7, I'm now even more hurt that he was trying to use it against me! ta3abta?!! Ana ta3abtaa ohwa?! If anything, ana kint mta3ba ya3goub! Not HIM! I ran to my car before ya3goub could see me. I cried all the way home. When I arrived home, I messaged '3azl: I'm not feeling well ilyom. Mara7 a7thr lectures.
She called me but I didn’t answer. There is no way I can talk to anyone right now. Lucky for me that I didn’t sleep well last night, since I was thinking about the FIGHT, now I was able to just fall asleep on my bed, with my clothes and shoes on. I was too sad and weak to change or do anything. I slept and slept. When it was lunch time, my mom came into my room to tell me to come downstairs and eat. She was surprised to see me in that condition. I was able to convince her that I came home early because I was having a bad migraine and that I didn’t want to eat. As soon as she left me, I changed into my PJ's and buried myself under the covers. I continued crying till I fell asleep, again.
A while later, I have no idea how long I have been sleeping, I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. It was ya3goub. I really wasn’t in the mood to answer, but I did.
Ya3goub: ha 7ala? wainch ilyom? Lesh ma dawamtay?
7ala: ta3bana, mali5ilg.
Ya3goub: ee mabayen min 9otch. Salamaat, matchoofeen shar (if only he knew my voice sounded like that because of all the crying, not because I was sick)
7ala:…………..allla ysall..(I started crying)
Ya3goub: shfeeeech?!
7ala: ma feeni shay….
Ya3goub: 7ala?! 5al9ini shfeech?!
7ala: ….jara7..ana adrii inna…(he didn’t let me continue)
Ya3goub: oofffff.. lail7eench! 5ala9, besch bachi! Ilsalfa matiswa. You both didn’t mean it! w ana adri inch 3aneeda w rasch yabes w mara7 tit2asefain gabla. Bes inshalla uhwa biratheech. Stop worrying about it. And stop crying!!
7ala: inshalla (if only he knew that I knew)
Ya3goub: yalla gumay '3aslay wayhch, 9alay w ta3alay ilkoleya. We'll study together.
7ala: inshalla.. see you.
I looked at the time, it was almost 4. I've been forcing myself to sleep since 9am this morning! I felt disgusting! I went to take a shower. Laman 6ala3t, dagait 3ala '3azl to tell her inni bared ilkoleya to study soon.
An hour later I was in the library studying with '3azl and ya3goub. I wasn’t really studying. I couldn’t. But I didn’t want to make a scene, so every few minutes I would just flip the page of the book that I was supposed to by "studying" from. I don’t think '3azl and ya3goub fell for it, but they still kept quiet. A while later, I got a message from jara7:
7ala. Ana asef. Sam7ini 3al kalamn illi gitlch iya. Walla ma kan 8a9di. Let me make it up for you. 6il3ili barra to the parking lot.
I looked up to see ya3goub smiling at me. He knew it was jara7. And I bet he knew exactly what he was up to.
7ala: come with me. Both of you. Mabi a6la3la brw7i
We left the library, and headed for the parking lot. I could see his car parked next to mine. He was waiting next to his car, so we walked towards him.
Jara7: 7ala.. don’t say anything… let me talk, just listen
I wasn’t going to talk anyways. I couldn’t even look at him. None of them knew the real reason why I was mad, so I bet they were all thinking that I was OVERoverreacting.
Jara7: 7ala ana asef. I didn’t mean the things I said. You have no idea how much I enjoy spending time with you. I won't lie and say inna I don’t find it difficult to please you, because I do. I find it really difficult. Well actually, I FOUND it difficult. But now I understand that it doesn’t have to be this way. That's not who you are. You don’t need all that. You just want to be simply loved by me. From now on I'm going to keep it simple. I have a gift for you. And this one I DID enjoy planning. I hope you like it. Bes mostly I hope you forgive me. (I can't believe he's still playing along that HE planned the other gifts)
He got something from his car. It was a book. ANOTHER book?! Hhhmmm..that didn’t impress me.
Jara7: here's a book. You can add it to your collection.
He handed it to me. I looked at the cover, it was a photo of his car. I gave him a puzzled look.
Jara7: it's a limited edition. Only one copy exists. I made it.
I read the title, the book was called: "when a Cayenne meets an LR3". I smiled, even though I didn’t want to. I opened the book at a random page. And read it out loud:
"November 11th. Our first date. (also my birthday) she's my gift from God. I took her to the beach. She wouldn't stop staring at the beautiful view. I couldn’t stop staring at her. It was just one infinite moment of love, with no beginning and no end"
I closed the book, as a felt my eyes tear up. I took a deep breath as a strategy to hold back the tears. I failed. I wiped a tear and looked at '3azl, who was smiling at me. I couldn’t get myself to smile back.
I looked at ya3goub, then at jara7, then back at ya3goub.
7ala: ya3goub. Bas2ilk su2al, w abeek tjawibni bkil 9ara7a. li2ank itha chathabt 3alay mara7 asm7ik int ba3ad.
Ya3goub: 7ala… shfeech? you don’t like the gift?
7ala: I do.. I love it, that’s the problem. I love the gift. And I thought I loved the man who was giving me these gifts. But then again, I thought that the man giving me these gifts was jara7!!… ya3goub, is this from him? Or you? Who thought of it?! who's is it really from? Who's heart are these words coming from? Minw?!
He didn’t reply. I looked at jara7. He was looking at the floor.
7ala: I guess that answers my question
I threw the book at jara7.
7ala: thank you! I love it! (I said sarcastically)
I got in my car and drove home. And again, just like déjà vu, I was back in my bed under the covers, just crying. I was so mad. This time not only at jara7 but ya3goub too. Because he was lying at me too. He had let me fall in love with the wrong guy. He was misleading me just as much as jara7 was. I hated jara7 now. I WISH I NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN IN MY LIFE!. After that thought, I had cried myself to sleep.
The next morning, I woke up and I could actually feel how puffy my eyes were because I couldn’t open them completely. I really didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to face reality. I didn’t want to face the fact that people lied and stole hearts then broke them. I messaged '3azl: "'3azl, I'm heartbroken.. I can't get out of bed" she replied immediately: 7ala! if you're heart was broken you would be dead! So shut up and get out of bed! Get yourself together. Yalla, we will go through this together"
I got up because I knew that if I didn’t she would come over to my house and make a scene. So I got up and went through my morning routine, as an act to feel like this is a normal day.
I washed up, got dressed, and flipped through the newspaper while I drank my morning coffee. I didn’t find any articles about my dad. But, I did find something. Something I wish I didn’t find. Something that made me wish I had just stayed in bed.
I read the headline again, just to make sure that my eyes weren't messed up from all the crying. I kept reading it again and again but the words were the same. I had read it correctly the first time. I was getting dizzy, and the words and letters wouldn’t stop dancing around the paper. I read it one last time: 7adth raheeb yo2adi ila ma8tal shab… and under the headline, next to the article describing this "7adeth raheeb" , was a photo of a car that was so messed up to was almost the a piece of metal junk. But not too messed up, I could tell what car it was. The Golden Cayenne.
I guess that's why they always say, be careful what you wish for cuz you just might get it!